Random Mind Junk ...

I think I might have blogger's block.

I can't think of anything specific to post about; I think I've filled in one too many job applications and exchanged my brain for a plate full of wobbly jelly. All day it's been a struggle to think logically, a couple of times I've even been talking to someone and then suddenly just lost the plot, e.g:

Me: "So we're going to get a new valuation on the client's bond and ... oh, look, a squirrel!" *vacant stare*

I've sat here for the last bloody half hour trying to think of a suitable subject and it's just not happening; so I'll give up, and just tell you about the few random thoughts, musings and semi-noteworthy events that have made up my day:

Ladies Undergarments: Like lots of women, if I wear a dress or skirt suit to work I like to wear stockings ... simply because in keeping with the English climate I haven't yet managed to get a tan and I wouldn't want to cause traffic accidents by dazzling drivers with my hideously pale legs. Frankly, I've seen corpses with a better colour. (I don't do fake tan, mainly because I'm crap at applying it and just look like I've been seeping in ancient tea bags, not to mention having bright orange hands for six months afterwards. And I don't do sunbeds because ... well they're big microwave ovens). Last night I bought some supposedly "Ladder Resistant" stockings or pantyhose as I think they're called in the US (?) ... except they're not, as I found out in record time during the process of putting them on. They may not ladder in the usual way, i.e. vertically, but they do ladder horizontally which, trust me, is even worse. What a crock!

Oh, and while I'm on the subject, I just need to take a quick rant detour here for a second ... Pantyhose? I HATE that word! I'm so glad we don't use it here. It's completely misleading. I can assure you there is no hose in MY pants, thank you very much. Oh ... and panties! Another rubbish word, actually I've been thinking about this and there simply is no cool word for women's underwear ... knickers, bloomers, tanga, thong ... they're all completely ridiculous.

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Hot Date? - Not so much: If you read mjenks' blog you might know that he recently gave us ladies a quick, valuable Latin lesson on how to effectively deal with "douchebags" ... his term not mine, I'm sadly far too British to carry that one off effectively; you might also have seen me mention in his comments in a later post that I had tested this Latin phrase "Si te futuas, gaudeam!" (Translation: "If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice!") not once but three times when I was out the other night. With mixed and interesting results it has to be said. Anyway, cut a long story short, the third guy I said it to actually grinned and said "Bravo!" and then said something back in Latin, which so completely threw me that I ended up agreeing to a date.

That was on Thursday night and I've had plenty of time to regret my hasty decision. He wasn't really my type so I wasn't expecting great things and was even starting to consider getting a friend to phone him and tell him I'd died in a freak stationery-related accident. Then he suggested meeting for lunch, which seemed much safer (and shorter) than an evening date, so I agreed and today I found myself sitting in a crowded coffee shop on my lunch break.

I was right not to have expected too much.

He was late. He was totally full of himself and kept bragging about his car and money etc and unluckily for him I'm not one of those girls who's impressed by things like that. As far as cars go ... tell me what colour it is and that's all the information I'm interested in. But even worse, he was a total perv! And not in a good way. I like to think I'm quite an open-minded person, but there's definite lines that should NOT be crossed on the first date, and certainly not in a busy coffee shop where everyone can hear. His name was Sam, which was rather apt I thought as by the end of the hour I was thinking of him as "Sam-I-Am" from Green Eggs and Ham, e.g:

Sam: Would you, could you in a car?

Me: Not on a train! Not in a tree! Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!

So not a roaring success and needless to say I won't be seeing him again.

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My Cat Hates Me: Had a couple of friends round this evening to share a bottle of wine and a chat. Why is it my cat will wait until I have company, saunter casually into the room, sit right in the middle of the floor and then proceed to thoroughly lick it's bum!! One friend has cats herself so she didn't blink an eye, but I could see the other friend trying hard not to notice and keep talking. She finally gave up and said "Does it always do that?". Is it an act of disdain on the cat's part? Or just gross exhibitionism?

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The _ope Thing: So I'm starting to get into the whole blogging community thing now, I'm trying to read more blogs and I've noticed that some people have a picture that is ... brace yourselves, I'm about to get technical here ... kinda blue and red coloured with a word underneath that ends with "ope". I think I've seen "Cope", "Hope", "Dope", "Mope" and maybe some others that I can't remember. What's that about? Is it a symbol of some sinister, secret blog cult? How do you join? And why hasn't anybody had "Pope"?

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Love Thy Neighbour: My upstairs neighbours are having the mother of all barneys. They sure can shout. As is often the case, jealousy has reared its ugly head and brought trouble to paradise. She thinks he's having an affair. He strenuously denies it. I have to say, I don't know when she thinks he's had the time or the energy to carry on an affair, since they've seemed to be going for the Guinness World Record of "shags fitted into one day".

And on that note, I'll leave you with this to listen to (I love the line "And 100% of the time you are on the stupid!"). Enjoy.

Get a Job ...

As you may or may not know I gave notice on my job recently and am now looking for something else. My last day is on Thursday and despite having applied for about 15 jobs so far I still haven't heard anything, no interviews etc. So I'm starting to get a little bit edgy.

Mind you, some of them don't close to applications until the middle of April and others have stated that it could take up to 4 weeks from the closing date (which was end of March) to even get to interview stage. So maybe it's a little early to start worrying just yet.

What annoys me most is that they quite blatantly say that they will NOT notify you unless you are being invited to interview and that if you haven't heard anything within 4 weeks of the closing date you can just assume that you won't be hearing from them.

They also say that there is a cut-off number for applications; if your application happens to be number 101 then it's not even going to get looked at AND they won't notify you of this.

So basically I could be spending all this time filling in application forms and sending off CV's to jobs I'm not even going to be considered for. And I won't know this for sure for at least 4 weeks!

Ok ... excuse me while I whinge for a second here ...

*adopts whiny voice*

That's sooooooo unfair!!!! They wouldn't like it if they OFFERED me the job and I said "Hmm, well ok, I'll think about it. Oh and if you haven't heard back from me in say ... oh, I dunno, 4 weeks, you can go right ahead and assume I don't want it"

What a bunch of crapweasels!

*takes deep, calming breaths*

Ok. I feel much better now

So anyway, I need a job and I'm filling in all these application forms ...well I say "forms", I think they must have actually been compiled by Dostoevsky, because they seem to go on and on and on. I'm getting totally bored with it already, spewing out the same cliches that apparently every employer likes to see and therefore almost always guarantees you an interview.

But it really is nonsense, and as I was filling one in tonight I started to think about what the various terms REALLY mean:

"I am highly motivated and committed to a career in ..."
Translation: I don't really want to work at all, but I guess I have to, so I might as well work for you


"I work well as a team player"
Translation: It'll be cool to have someone to take 2 hour lunch breaks in the pub with

"I work well using my own initiative"
Translation: I like to use as much work time as possible surfing the internet

"I enjoy working with people"
Translation: I hate working with people

"I am flexible"
Translation: I have issues with time-keeping, don't expect to see me before lunchtime

"I am conscientious"
Translation: I will only steal small stuff, like pens and paper ... not computers and fax machines

"I have excellent communication skills"
Translation: I like to make personal phone calls and e-mail alot

"I have plenty of experience"
Translation: I can't hold a job down for longer than 6 months

"I am computer literate"
Translation: I know where the "On" button is

Oh well ... I'll keep applying, something has to turn up sooner or later.

Who knows! I might get that International Lounge Lizard job I've always wanted.




WTF!!!!! This has to be the most BIZARRE thing I've seen in a long while ... I was looking for the Silhouettes classic version of this song and just happened to see this. Curious as always I clicked on the link only to be visually BLUDGEONED with the most outrageous gold lamé outfits, speed-singing and the biggest bunch of misfits who are either performing some seriously dodgy dance moves or doing some kind of hyperactive workout routine!! I can't decide which. (The skinny guy in black's, leg-shaking solo towards the end nearly made me shoot milk out my nose.) Check it out and let me know what you think ...

A Day of Disappointments ...

Stuck for any suitably loony-yet-creative ideas for today's blog I have been reflecting on the day's contents and have decided that on the whole it has been made up of a series of disappointments.

I was disappointed:

1) To wake up and realise that I wasn't languishing in an expensive Parisian hotel bed next to Olivier Martinez, with fresh, warm croissants and coffee waiting for me, followed by a day of no-holds-barred retail therapy, courtesy of said Monsieur Martinez's credit card

2) That England still hasn't adopted a tropical climate

3) To find that the lazy, good-for-nothing cat STILL hasn't mastered the art of housework and in fact expects me to do it all!

4) To realise that my attempts to dissuade my upstairs neighbours from their extremely noisy sexual antics (at ALL hours of the day and night ... I am beginning to suspect that they are part-Duracell bunnies) by playing the Benny Hill theme music as loud as my stereo will allow every time the walls start to shake, continues to fail miserably

5) To realise that said neighbours now in fact seem to have found a rhythm to the Benny Hill theme music which amazingly heightens the experience for them

6) To discover that I had still not won the lottery ... although I concede that my consistent failure to buy a ticket may have had something to do with this

7) To have my plans for a meal that I had been looking forward to all day cruelly FOILED by my weediness and subsequent inability to open a jar of essential ingredients

8) To have toast for dinner ... again

9) That in spite of having invited him to dinner and heaped no end of flattery and praise on him over the last couple of days ... Wolverine has STILL not accepted my invitation OR declared his undying lust/love for me! What's up with that!?! Effin ingrate!

10) That they still haven't made "Jaws! The Musical"


I hope that your day has been more rewarding.