A Letter From America …

 

 

                                                          

                                                                                                                      Mayfair

                                   25th August 1776

My Dear Inspector Balderdash,

I must say, it was rather … surprising to receive your package and letter since I was quite sure I would never hear from you again.

I did know you were in the Americas since  it has been widely reported in the press since the unfortunate Woldorf case.

Nevertheless, I am shocked and horrified to receive your news and learn that our countrymen are rising up against dear King George! Have they no shame? No sense of duty? To take such extreme measures over a quibbling little dispute about tea seems quite childish to me and totally reprehensible! We are all very fond of tea, I am sure, a most superior brew, but to turn one’s back on one’s native homeland is simply ridiculous! Have no fear, they shall rue the day. We shall see who has the last laugh when they run out of crumpets and Morris Dancers.

And I thank you sincerely for sending me a copy of their Declaration of Independence … I do trust it was only a copy? I feel compelled to ask as one never knows with you Inspector.

I was a little puzzled by the cryptic message attached to it, perhaps you would be so good as to explain it to me? Since I see no purpose or benefit in sucking on a rather old, and dare one say it, grubby-looking piece of parchment.

It is however a most fascinating document to be sure. So many signatures! Doctors I am guessing from the general unintelligibility of the handwriting?

As you know I am a keen, amateur historian and despite the things that have passed between us in the past I will accept it in the spirit of friendship that I am sure it was intended and treasure it for at least a week. I shall buy a suitable frame in which to display it to advantage when I toddle into town on Thursday and then get Ned the handyman to hang it in the cupboard under the stairs. The perfect spot!

Which reminds me … do you recall Ned? Poor man, he is quite afflicted! He has recurring episodes of the most traumatic symptoms, slurred speech, loss of balance, the oddest inclination to sing loudly, especially favouring rather “warm” songs about a woman called Nellie! I was quite perplexed until he explained to me, in the most touching way, that it is a condition he has inherited from his poor father, and that the only thing that helps is to drink lots of fine brandy! Isn’t that fascinating? And even more interesting … Douglas, the butler, has the same dreadful affliction! What are the chances of that happening, I ask you?  I do declare I was never more astounded in my life!

I was truly sorry to hear about your own misfortune in losing your hand. It must be terrible for you, and to lose it to Count Edgewood must be a bitter pill to swallow indeed! Who would have thought an 8 year old boy could be such a deadly swordsman! One quite wonders at his parents for allowing him to run around as wildly as he does.

Thank you so much for the lovely books you sent to me! I was so touched to know you had thought of me in what cannot, I fear, be an easy time for you . How you got them into the envelope with only one hand is nothing less than amazing!

I am greatly looking forward to curling up in one of the wing chairs in the library this evening and losing myself amongst their pages. I know that they cannot compare to the likes of Shakespeare, Dr. Johnson or Milton but I find them charming and as Mrs Thrale is wont to say, a bit of gratuitous fornication and fisticuffs never hurt anybody.

And so to the last item in your package, which I confess leaves me totally bewildered

 

I appreciate the reference to my fondness for the fairytale of “Pinocchio” … but again, the message is quite cryptic! We use coal for the fireplaces as you well know, we have plenty of kindling and it is the height of the summer season! London is sweltering and I cannot fathom for the life of me why, or indeed how I would give wood to a fictional character!  I can only await your explanation, Sir.

And now, though it pains me to do so, I must address the issue of your continual insistence on referring to me as though I were your housemaid!

Inspector Balderdash, in 1774 I paid you a great deal of money to track down my father’s assassin. To date I have had little or no information with regards to this matter from you or the Bow Street Runners. I am English and therefore it goes very much against the grain with me to complain … but this is most unsatisfactory! And to then be constantly spoken to like the most menial of serving girls is simply intolerable and I must ask you to once and for all desist immediately.

You have a housekeeper I believe? It is for her to see to your washing and the making of your bed. I am not your skivvy, Sir.

Nor will I be stocking up on tobacco! Smoking is a filthy habit and deplorable in any but the lowest classes. Not for you or your ghastly Mr Henderson, at whose grubby, molesting hands I have suffered enough. If I should ever have the misfortune of running into that horrid man again you can be sure I will summons the Watch and have him locked up immediately.

I daresay you will have noticed I have not yet responded to your reference to “The Case of the Poisoned Pillowcase”, this is because it was the most unfortunate of matters, most distressing and even now I find it hard to think about without shuddering and feeling quite faint.

I am afraid I still haven’t quite forgiven you for including me in this embarrassing episode. To allow me to believe you were taking me to see your banker in order to return my money to me and to then throw me into the middle of that shameful melee was unforgiveable.

With regards to your ludicrous and frankly delusional memory of the events that took place in Sir Woldorf’s home I shall remain silent and ladylike. I have however enclosed a cutting from The Times which I believe gives a fairly accurate account of the sordid circumstances.

Should you ever return to England it is my most sincere wish never to set eyes on you again. However, in the name of good Christian spirit, I wish you luck on your travels and for now remain,

Yours most indifferently,

Lady Katherine

Scandal in Mayfair            A case of poison in the knight It has been brought to our attention that scandal has yet again raised its ugly head in the household of Sir Edmund W - whom you may remember was caught, in the early part of last year in a compromising situation with the famous Drury Lane actress, Fanny Moldycake and a basket of satsumas. He was also the subject of speculation in 1768 with regards to a possible liaison in the “French style” with Col. Ponsonby Smythe , current world record holder of  “Biggest Mutton Chops and Most Ridiculously High Collar” . Known for his scandalous and most obnoxious behaviour it comes as little surprise to us that somebody would wish Sir W - harm, indeed it is far more surprising that he has attained the grand age of 57 years with all his body parts intact. It is believed that the crime would have remained undetected were it not for Sir W - ‘s  tailor voicing his suspicion of foul play. During a routine measuring for a new set of breeches the canny tailor noticed a most unpleasant and disfiguring rash on Sir W’s parts most private, “At first I just thought it was syphilis” said Gabriel Midgewidgeon, the tailor, “what with his reputation, what have you, but he  simply wasn't mad enough. I‘ve seen plenty of syphilis in my time, I’m tailor to most of the gentlemen in Parliament and they‘re all as barmy as a badger on a unicycle. His Lordship owes me a fair bit of money and I’d be nibbled to death by ducks before I saw a penny of it if he went and snuffed it. So I reported it to the Bow Street Runners! ”           The Infamous  Inspector Balderdash Steps In Our sources tell us that the current crime wave that has London in it’s nefarious grip has left the Bow Street Runners severely under-manned, which could explain their questionable decision to bring in the ubiquitous Inspector Archibald Balderdash, that ineffective, vexatious braggart who has jeopardised so many criminal investigations in the recent past. We have also been reliably informed that Insp. Balderdash, who recently left the country in some haste and is believed to be residing in the Americas, attempted an arrest within a few minutes of entering Sir W -’s home, accusing his wife, Lady Harriet W - of attempting to poison her husband by soaking his undergarments in Strychnine. Going so far as to tackle the unfortunate lady to the ground whilst bellowing that her unbecoming bonnet had “Murderess written all over it”. Chaos ensued, as it invariably does whenever  Insp. Balderdash is involved; even his own assistant, who goes by the sinister name of “Henderson”, pointed out that whilst Lady Harriet had many a good reason to loathe her husband a lady of her social standing would hardly be found carrying out such a menial task as the laundry. Thankfully the day, not to mention the Bow Street Runner’s reputation, was saved thanks to the quick wit of a young woman believed to be in the employ of Insp. Balderdash, (who modestly has chosen to remain nameless). A woman clearly possessed of great charm, intelligence and sweetness, who pointed out the washerwoman busily  scrubbing Sir W -’s  bed linen and to the fact that she had a large bottle of strychnine sticking out of her apron pocket. It was later discovered that the woman was once a mistress of Sir W -’s, cast off many years previously and heartlessly left to a harsh life of gin, mangles and the pox who had sworn to have revenge on the  dastardly knight. The sorry tale ended with the poor, mad wretch being carted off to Bedlam, Lady Harriet having a fit of the vapours and Sir Edmund heading off to his club for another evening of drinking, gaming and whoring.                     Aftermath An interesting and somewhat ironic side note is Sir W –‘s recent descent into madness, as witnessed by his demand that everybody should henceforth refer to him as “Pitt the Elder, Wiser and Hotter”, his sponsoring of a small monkey, whom he calls Sir Roger, as Lord Mayor of London and his habit of wearing a pair of earmuffs and ladies bloomers in all seasons. It would seem that the rash which first raised his tailor’s suspicion was indeed the onset of syphilis and the subsequent foiling of the washerwoman’s murderous plot merely a lucky fluke. It should also be noted that there is currently still a warrant out for the arrest of Inspector Balderdash for the distressing assault on Lady Harriet and her bonnet, which was sadly crushed in the fracas.

 

* Trinity … thank you so much for the package! I loved it! I’m really touched that in the middle of your trip to see Erin and Washington you thought of me. You’ll be pleased to know that you too have stunned the Swiss Family Manson into shocked silence with the Pinocchio picture. You can now join Gwen in the rather elite “Girl Interrupted Hall of Shame” … maybe I’ll make badges! But for now … congratulations! :D

I can’t wait to read the comic books … Snow and Bigby better get it on big time, or I’m throwing the mother of all hissy fits!

Thank you :) You’re such a good friend x

 

A couple of other quick mentions … my pal Diane over at Cooking Blind awarded me the Superior Scribbler’s Award, so thank you very much Diane :). Diane was the first lady blogger I started exchanging comments with and she’s become one of my top blogchums so this means a lot to receive.

I need to pass it on but I’ll have to take care of that in my next post as I’m pressed for time right now and need to get this posted. Hope you don’t mind x

And the lovely Other Worldly One over at Calling People Names also gave me an award … but not just any award! Oh no … her award has … wait for it … *drum roll* … MICHAEL JACKSON ON IT!! Yes indeed! I think it could be my favourite award so far! She’s managed what nobody else has, to forever tattoo my blog with his freaky little face … and for that, I love her dearly. Also she’s just hit the 300th mark which is pretty spectacular, especially as her posts are always a joy to read, so click on the link and go congratulate her and whilst you’re there read some of her posts, I guarantee you’ll love them.

Congratulations OWO :) x

Ok, I have to dash, feel free to leave disgruntled messages about tardy bloggers and lazy English girls in general, I promise I will try to do the rounds later today or tomorrow and catch up on the usual suspects ;) you know who you are.

Bye for now x