I Knew There Was a Reason Why I Don’t Normally Watch Much TV …

Hello there, so it’s been … 3 months, exactly, since my last post and I thought it was about time I did my blogging duty, i.e dust off my laptop, attempt to ramble on about something inconsequential, try to be vaguely witty whilst rambling and then wait to see whether I’m, yet again, warmly accepted back into the loving fold of my blog family or shunned, like a schlep eating a sausage roll at a Bar Mitzvah.

 

Actually, that’s a bit of a fib, I was just kinda bored, kinda fed up and kinda in need of distraction. So, here I am.

 

Where have I been?

 

Ok, brief update: I did some stuff. Then I got sick and spent 3 weeks in hospital. Then I came home and started the process of recovery. Now I’m fed up and bored.

 

I told you it was brief.

 

Anyway, it turns out that not going to work and not having much to do except lie in bed and sleep, feel sorry for one’s self and read/watch DVD's/sink slowly into the abyss of insanity is not as much fun as you might think.

 

It actually sucks.

 

But I’m not going to discuss the events of the last 3 months. Because I don’t want to. Maybe I will one day, but not right now. You understand.

 

What I DO want to discuss is a not very interesting little fact I have come to realise about myself these last few weeks … that I have APPALLING taste in televisual (is that a real word?) viewing habits.

 

Talk about your enlightenment!

 

Of course, I blame the daytime TV scheduling … mostly because that’s when I tend to watch TV most. And obviously I’m sick and confined to my bed a lot, so I blame that fact too. I would now remind you that you are therefore obliged to be lenient, to humour me, not judge me, nor mock what I am about to disclose to you, in ANY way.

 

Well ok, you can mock … but just a little bit.

 

Here we go:

 

*stands up slowly, gives a sheepish look around the room, clears throat nervously and fixes stare on a dust bunny on the floor that has coyly nestled up to a table leg*

 

My name is Kate  … *deep breath* … and I’m addicted to the Gilmore Girls.

 

Is that deathly silence? You’re judging me, aren’t you?

 

I can’t help it! I know it puts the “wee” in twee and is ridiculously unrealistic, but it’s easy to watch, distracts me from my life and makes me chuckle.

 

And I might want to be Lorelei Gilmore (but without the annoying, pokey-faced daughter).

 

Well, I couldn’t be Buffy the Vampire Slayer once I reached 30!!!! That’s just delusional.

 

(Side thought: How cool would it be if Lorelei found out SHE was actually the “Chosen One” and got given her very own Mr Pointy to go out and kick some vampire butt with? They could get the West Wing guy to write it! No? Humph! Well I think it’s a cool idea, and worthy of at LEAST five seasons. Philistines.) 

 

And speaking of vampires and dodgy viewing material …

 

I might have finally watched Twilight.

 

*hangs head in shame*

 

And Twilight: New Moon.

 

*self-consciously scuffs toe on floor and avoids eye contact*

 

You see, I was curious, I wanted to know what all the fuss was about and then my Mum happened to buy them and I was sick and bored … did I mention I was sick? I was reeeeeally sick, and not in my right mind at all, quite deranged in fact and not at all answerable for my own actions. Which is obviously why I’ve watched them twice.

 

*nervous cough*

 

Ok, so I enjoyed them a little bit. But I can’t truly enjoy them until I’ve shared a few observations and questions with you …

 

Firstly, why have they messed with the vampire legend? Vampires don’t go to High School! They are notoriously creatures of the night; if a vampire moves into the sunlight he doesn’t go all pretty and sparkly and become a walking shampoo ad, he goes up in a screaming ball of flame. Everybody knows that! Yes, it’s all fantasy and legend and therefore open to interpretation to a certain degree, and I’m the biggest sucker for anything fantastical, I’ve always loved fairytales and the whole vampire thing is a big fairytale for adults as far as I’m concerned; but like they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! For goodness sake, it’s like making a film about Big Foot and having a midget play the lead. Just not cricket.

 

And how come nobody notices that little Eddie Munster and his family are really, really pale and weird and not put two and two together? The father is a frigging doctor, so they can’t even blame it on a nasty case of undiagnosed anaemia. And why have they made them all trendy looking except for poor Jasper, who looks like he wandered out of an 80’s music video by mistake and couldn’t find his way back?

 

Now then, let’s talk R-Patz … what the heck is all the girly adoration about? I honestly don’t understand it. Where did he get his bone structure from? A Neanderthal? He seriously needs to get his eyebrows waxed and isn’t he a bit scrawny and pasty? He looks like the sort of guy who would invite you round to his place on a first date, where you’d discover that he still lives with his mother, has the bedroom of a 14 year old and that his idea of a fun night is playing World of Warcraft whilst eating Pot Noodle and drinking flat Tizer. 

 

As for Bella? Annoying much. I remember once reading one of OtherWorldlyOne’s superb posts where I think she made mention of the heroine’s slack-jawed expression (or something along those lines); I hadn’t watched Twilight at the time so you can imagine my delight when I straight away recognised said slack-jaw and could finally appreciate her accurate description. Plus, any girl who could pass up the buff, brooding Jacob for a spangley, tree hugging, deer muncher is clearly demented. I know Jacob is probably young enough to be my son (and if I actually WAS Lorelei Gilmore he probably would be) and a werewolf, but sheesh! Look at the shameless excuse to show off a buff bloke evidence …

 

 

 

Ignore the snarly critter on the left (what a slightly miffed racoon has to do with Jacob Black is a bit of a mystery to me) and look how pretty he is! How nice does he look with no shirt on? And I bet he hardly ever gets fleas or humps your leg at family gatherings. Wake up and smell the testosterone, Bella!

 

But for all that, I did enjoy the films in a slightly brain-dead, pure escapism kinda way and no doubt I’ll watch any that follow in the saga. I haven’t read the books, nor do I intend to, but I’m really hoping that the Wolfy Gang eat Bella, that the wan and not so interesting vampire family take Edward off to make pouty TV ads for hair gel or the Hitler Youth or something and that the cool, if somewhat psychotic, red haired, vamp chick comes and shows young Jacob what a real woman’s made of.

 

I realise that some of my comments will probably make me unpopular with a small percentage of the female population and I’ll be making sure to steer clear from all strip clubs (see prunella de ville’s hilarious post for explanation), just in case. But I find that I enjoy most things a whole lot more if I can discover something about them that makes me laugh, and I don’t necessarily have to be laughing WITH them. Plus, it’s not quite so embarrassing that I’ve watched the Twilight films if I then go on to mock them.

 

Anyway, I might as well make a full confession whilst I’m at it … I’ve also been watching Veronica Mars, Scrubs, Glee (does anybody else think those kids sound like the chipmunks when they sing?) and How I Met Your Mother (which I no longer watch, on principal, since I found out that the really annoying, arrogant character is played by the bloke who once played DOOGIE HOWSER!!!!!!).

 

That’s all. You can go ahead and snigger now. I’m off to … er, read a book.

 

Have a lovely weekend x