A few (lengthy) thoughts of the day …

As we all know, there is now a veritable buffet (I like to pronounce that “boo-fay” in the French style, rather than the more standard “buff-ay” … just because it makes me fondly think of Phoebe Buffay, who often made me laugh with her kooky inanity, and because it sounds more grandiose and you can have more fun saying it that way) of web applications and software which we can use in various ways to shun and avoid real life, human interaction to the best of our ability. I’ve tried a few of them over the past few years (I’m not a big people person), I’m initially intrigued and easily lured by hype and the “keeping up with the Jones’” phenomenon.

 

Luckily for me, and my laptop, I also bore easily, and have the attention span of a mentally deficient magpie. If said piece of software/application doesn’t stay metaphorically sparkly I soon lose interest and use the “Uninstall Program” facility unhesitatingly and without remorse. Or (as long as it’s not using up valuable disk space) I just abandon it to die, like a rabid hedgehog on the interwebs superhighway.

 

I have stuck with Windows Live though. Not because I think it’s particularly good, but because I’ve always used it, it has as much information on there as I want it to have (i.e. my name), it provides for all my pathetically limited online needs, my email is set up on it and because, frankly, I’m too lazy to change to anything else. 

 

I’ve used it for a while but, shockingly, it was only today that I noticed that Windows Live has a rather unpleasant attitude:

 

 

Apparently, the above is what you’re faced with if you try to access my Windows Live network, uninvited. Now, to be fair, it’s a little bit your own fault for even trying, because if I wanted you on my network, I would’ve invited you, wouldn’t I? But then, I never invite anybody (ha!), so don’t feel too bad. And I have to say that the whole snide and slightly aggressive tone of Windows Live is rather harsh and uncalled for, in my opinion,

 

“Kate isn’t in your network” … you just know it’s silently adding “Billy-No-Mates!” onto the end of that, with a sly, poisonous little sneer.

 

“Add Kate” … as it gives a malignant snicker, thinking “Like she’s going to add YOU! Loser!”, I imagine it sounds like Beavis or Butthead or possibly Perez Hilton

 

“This person’s network is empty (or maybe they’re keeping it private)” … it doesn’t get much crueller than this, why not just go ahead and say “Yeah, right! Keeping it private? She has soooo blocked you! You are TOTALLY uncool, she just thinks you’re a creepy stalker! Baahahahahaha”

“What’s new with Kate – Kate hasn’t done anything new lately” … so it’s not even just YOU it’s mocking! It’s ME TOO! Whilst you are trespassing in the name of nosiness and therefore warrant a bit of a telling off, I’m the fecking owner here!! And it’s giving me a whole bunch of ‘tude, like all the meanest playground bullies rolled into one nasty, spotty faced, uber-tard, who’s flicking bogies at me and chanting “YOU’VE GOT NO LIII-IFE! YOU’VE GOT NO LIII-IFE”.

 

Well I’ve got news for you Windows Live … I’m reviewing the situation, a la Fagin! A strongly worded email is on its way to poxy Bill Gates, I don’t really care whether he’s personally responsible or NOT, he LOOKS guilty, and he has PLENTY of other crap to answer for. And yes, I’m sending it via Windows Mail, so bite me! I intend to tell him exactly what I think of his e-equivalent of a wedgie, and will take great pleasure in reminding him that the first rule of thumb in any business is THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT (unless you work for the … er … Ministry of Gigantic Fibbers, or <insert political party of choice here> … or something ). I bet Gmail doesn’t pull this $hit!

 

~@~

 

I like to keep an eye on the news and regularly scan two or three websites in order to read about what’s going on in the world. One of my favourites is the Orange site, and I like it for two reasons, and two reasons only: the “Quirkies” news section, and because the way they present their news headlines often means that they leave a tantalising trail of ellipses which prompt me to make up my own endings (which, in my own mind, are infinitely more interesting and slightly more amusing than the real story):

 

 

 

 

And whilst we’re on the subject of news, I have a couple of entertainment (and I use the word ‘entertainment’ in a totally ironic sense) headlines which caught my attention:

 

 

At first I couldn’t stop laughing at the first headline … he has “warned” that he will stop releasing albums? Like we’re going to be anything but jubilant about that! All I have to say is Critics of the World Unite! Make us proud.

 

And then I saw the second headline and thought … bugger! :(

 

 

 

Of course, the news is currently dominated in England by the impending General Election, and it would be remiss of me to not mention it. I did consider providing you with some kind of informative guide to the political parties and their policies, but I’m not sure whether you are labouring under the false impression that I have some small degree of intelligence or not? If you are then I prefer to keep it that way, if you’re not then screw you you already know I’m incapable of anything that intellectual and I needn’t bother.

 

However, I do think it’s a terribly important time for our country and anybody who doesn’t exercise their right to vote is a bit of a “Silly Billy”.

 

But I would like to contribute something, maybe to help those of you who can’t quite make up your mind who to vote for and can’t be bothered to read all that dull stuff about policies, blah, blah, etc, etc.

 

First, I had intended to do a mesmerising piece on “What the party leaders’ ties say about them”, but having since perused numerous photos of the three main men in question, I realised that in fact they seem to be wearing the same three ties (pale blue tie; pale lilac tie; pale colour-that-can-only-be-described-as-anaemic-baby-poo tie … or maybe taupe?) between them and are just rotating who wears what on a daily basis.

 

So then I thought … hairstyles! Yes! Until I looked at those photos again and realised that the only statement made by any of the three ‘Do’s was … “I am a giant knob politician”. Move along. Nothing to see here.

 

So finally, I’ve focused on a common factor which I think is going to prove really pertinent and useful …

 

KISSING

 

Yep! Let us take a look at our leaders in all their puckered glory. Because after all, you can tell a lot from a person’s osculatory habits, and what’s more, politicians and kissing go together like … Sweeney Todd and a big ol’ batch of somewhat dubious tasting pies!

 

 

 

First up, we have David “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” Cameron …

 

 

 

About to kiss a … puppy. (Somebody call the RSPCA! Stat!) The puppy doesn’t look that chuffed about it, does he? It’s rather – disturbing unusual to say the least, but on the plus side at least he didn’t go for that tired, old political cliché and kiss a baby! *derisive snort* Hahaha!

 

 

 

Anyway, next we have Nick “Naughty Boy” Clegg …

 

About to kiss a … ah! Ahem! Oh dear.

 

(Side note: clearly it was his turn to wear the light blue tie that day)

 

 

 

Moving swiftly onwards, least and by all means last, we have Gordo “Gissa job kiss” Brown …

 

About to snog the living daylights out of Angela Merkin, Marxist, Milky, a German lady … look at that pucker action! Yeah, baby!

 

Gordo’s really going for it now! It doesn’t look as though the German Chancellor is interested though … maybe she’s just not that into him.

 

 

So there you have it, hopefully I’ve given you food for thought … I’ll leave you now to weigh up the gentlemen’s various merits with regards to technique, originality and victim subject. As our Graham from ‘Blind date’ would say, “The decision is yours!”

 

Of course, you could just do the responsible thing, ignore all of the above nonsense, familiarise yourself with party policy and then make an informed decision about who you want to vote for … and who has the nicest tie.

 

~@~

 

Just quickly, before I go (I know, I know … my posts are way too long, but you’ve been bitching about how I should post more for months … now suck it up and zip it!) …

 

Big thanks to J.J over at The World According to J.J in L.A. for my “Sunshine Blog Award”. Apparently I bring a little ray of sunny goodness to her day, which is a lovely thing to say! … But then she hasn’t been very well, poor love, she may even have been slightly delusional due to pain and meds … so that could explain it. Anyway, glad you’re all better now, J.J! :)  I’m afraid I’m not going to play and pass it on in the time honoured tradition though, because A) I’m too lazy, and B) I’m too much of a procrastinator to decide which five of the many blogs I enjoy, bring me the most pleasure. I simply can’t do it. Just know that if your blog appears in the list to the left (“to the left”) then you are one of my little sun hunnies, and if you would like the award then feel free to take it and shine.

 

Having said that … I’m now going to shamelessly plug another blog. Because I think it’s really good and just because I can.  So if you like witty, English girls who talk about anything and everything in an amusing, self-deprecatory fashion, you should go and check out Lady of the Manor’s blog “Madwoman in the Attic”. She’s only just getting started but I can honestly say I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every one of her posts so far. But don’t take my word for it, click on the link and go see for yourself.

 

And finally, I want to say a mahoosive congratulations to #1 blogchum Trinity and his wife Diana, as they are expecting their first baby in October. I couldn’t be happier for them and I just know that little ‘Peanut’ is going to be one lucky little boy or girl. 

 

That’s all for now … have a lovely day x