Ugg!

There is a definite hint of Autumn in the air.

Signs of it are everywhere; cooler mornings, squirrels in the park starting to greedily eye the ripening conkers as they dash about looking for suitable hiding places to stash them once they start to fall, shops having sales on "Back to School" leftovers, shortening days, inflating power rates.

But the biggest sign of all is the re-emergence of the Ugg Boot Brigade.

These boots have been chucked in the back of numerous wardrobes across the country for two or three months in favour of flimsy little flip-flops that the wearers slap around in, or even worse, those awful, clunky, cheap and nasty looking plastic clogs made in all the colours of the Opal Fruits (I refuse to call them Starburst). But now they're back!

All over the land young girls and women (who really should know better) are donning the universal uniform of opaque tights, short denim skirt and Ugg boots once more. Why is it, when we have more choice than ever in EVERYTHING, these females strive only to achieve one identical look. Like clones, or chav versions of the Stepford Wives they spend hours and hundreds of pounds on obtaining/maintaining the same haircut, the same make-up and the same clothes!

The worst symbol of this ovine mindlessness are Ugg Boots.

No self-respecting fashion victim it seems would be without a pair, and yet they're without doubt one of the worst pieces of fashion design ever created. They're totally impractical, one hint of rain and they're watermarked for life, and I don't know (because I don't have a pair and have never wanted a pair) but they look like they'd smell of mildew and wet dog after a couple of heavy showers. Yick!

But the biggest fault of the Ugg Boot design is the structure itself. They are soft boots, there is little or no support for the foot. The end result of this is that there are thousands of females out there, happily wandering around shopping precincts, confident in the knowledge that they are wearing the trendiest winter footwear but who are apparently oblivious to the fact that they have lazily walked over the instep of the boots which have distorted and rucked up, leaving their feet looking seriously retarded. It's just ghastly!

There is something so aesthetically displeasing about the image of an elegant woman, immaculately coiffed, made-up and clothed, who's obviously taken a lot of care and pride in her appearance but then totally spoiled the whole effect by choosing to finish her ensemble off with a pair of water stained, misshapen boots that say nothing about the wearer except that they have extremely spasticated feet. You wouldn't wear a hat that made you look like you had a misshapen head, would you? So why do it to your feet?

The only conclusion I can draw is that these women don't see the boots themselves, just the fashion and status symbol they represent. "Kate Moss and all my friends wear Ugg Boots, so I must too if I want to be uber-trendy" Problem is, Kate Moss is a professional model, petite, graceful, skilled in the art of walking and probably owns literally dozens of Ugg boots, expensive designer ones, that never get a chance to distort and make her feet look like squashed loaves of bread, and you can bet if she does have pairs like that they're chucked in the bin quicker than Paris Hilton can say "Publicity". As for your friends ... well just look! They have spasticated looking feet too!

I like Ugg Boots, I really do! Or rather I should say I like new, pristine Ugg Boots; but until they design a pair that aren't going to make me look like Quasimodo from the ankle down then I'm simply not interested.

Kate Moss is welcome to them.