Am I On Milk Cartons Yet? ...

Well it seems that some people have been worried about my recent lack of blogging! Some (wordsx3) have even put up posters! Awww! Thanks words!

I'm touched, truly, and I apologise for my poor blogging efforts ... luckily I have a number of handy excuses:

• Work has been an OAP desert, not one little blog-worthy conversation or telephone call. I've spent most of the last week sitting reading various books and magazines, very dull work. I even tried standing out in the street, trying to lure the old buggers in with the promise of a boiled sweet and a nice cup of tea, but they weren't buying it.

• My friends have abandoned me for sunnier climes ... where's the chuckle-fest of abuse when you need it, eh? Greece and Jamaica apparently.

• A combination of the above has left me bored to death, tired and seriously lacking in humorous motivation ... I even trawled all your blogs looking for stuff to steal ... ahem, I mean to inspire me, of course ... but nope! I got nothing!

• This is actually my 100th post (huzzah!) and I was hoping to do something a bit spectacular so I've been stalling in the hope of being struck by some ingeniously, witty and devastatingly creative idea ... bleh! Well clearly that ain't gonna happen, so you'll have to make do with the usual old tat.

Ah well, c'est la vie de blog.

I thank every twinkly star in the sky for my lovely blog-chums, because despite failing to provide me with easily purloinable material, they have come up trumps with a few tags and meme's.

Tsk! Yes, I know you've seen it all before, but what would you rather? Should I wait until I'm inspired with something unique to write about? I mean that could take some time, would a pensioner posting about an amusing mix-up over their Sanatogen, blood pressure pills and laxative tablets really be that entertaining? Or should I just go ahead and be a tag ho?

Right. Tag ho it is.

Firstly though, congrats to Chaka and J.J who also just celebrated their 100th posts. J.J. came up with the idea of posting 100 facts about herself, which looked a lot of fun and I seriously considered stealing shamelessly. Only problem was I couldn't think of anything, not a single thing ... so I've put that one on the back burner for now. Maybe by time I'm 100 years old I'll have thought of a few entertaining things to share with you, favourite chin whisker and record number of young people I've embarrassed or annoyed etc.

I also want to thank The Jules for giving me an award recently, naming mine as being one of his favourite blogs! I haven't been following his blog for long but he's rapidly become one of my favourites and I can highly recommend him if you're looking for something amusing to read.

Now Diane at Cooking Blind came up with a really inventive idea, writing a short story and using it to mention/tag all your favourite bloggers. Cool huh? I'm quite intrigued by this one because it gives you plenty of scope for creativity, so I'm going to have a go. However, it's not as easy as it might seem so I think it's going to take me a day or so to come up with something. But watch this space. I've got a huge list of blogs that I follow, most of them with weird arse titles, so it should be entertaining ... and probably a bit surreal. Brace yourselves.

So what am I going to give you? I'm going to give you a meme, which came to me via the lovely sas at sas's magical mystery tour. If you haven't yet checked out her blog, please do, she finds the coolest, most unusual stuff and best of all each post makes you think. I love blogs like that, nearly all the blogs I follow have that in common.

So on with the meme, it's basically the same one I did a few weeks ago, but thanks to the stipulation that you have to change one of the questions that you don't like it's morphed into something a bit different and hopefully won't make you groan "Urgh! Good grief, woman! Enough with the meme's already!"

What is your current obsession?

Monsters. Not as in the big "rawwwrrr I'm going to eat you" type that lives under your bed, but rather real life "monsters", thanks to the really interesting book that I'm reading at the moment. The author covers 101 well known nasties, so there's not a great deal of in depth information, but enough to hook your interest and get you Googling or searching Wikipedia.

I don't wish to seem to flippant, and I in no way mean to trivialise their crimes against humanity ... but that cover picture did make me giggle a bit.

There you have Joseph Stalin with his cap at the most ridiculously jaunty angle, Henry VIII who looks like a bulldog with a beard, Lucrezia Borgia who apparently had hair extensions made out of macaroni and Hitler ... how did anybody take him seriously with that moustache? Not one of them looks the part of a "Monster", but then I suppose that's the scariest element about them, that and the knowledge that tomorrows "Monsters" walk among us and look just like you and me.


I'm also fascinated with bizarrely named food products ...

I'll randomly pop some more in as we go along (that's what he said)



Oh, and I'm a bit obsessed with sausage.



What is your weirdest obsession?

Well, being obsessed with sausage is a bit weird, right?



What are you wearing today?

An enigmatic smile


What's for dinner?

Er ... sausages (I told you I was obsessed) ... maybe I could have them in a nice sauce? ...








and then wash it down with some ...







(so THAT'S what the "secret ingredient" is!)






What would you eat for your last meal?

Either a big plate of lasagne or Thai food (satay chicken! Mmmm) with a great big latte and a cherry coke to follow. If I still hadn't exploded I'd have raspberry cheesecake for dessert.




I would probably not ask for these ...














er ... or this








What's the last thing you bought?

Some batteries ;) haha


What are you listening to right now?

James Morrison's "Songs for you, truths for me" album ... his voice gives me goosebumps and I quite fancy him, I think it's the curly hair


What do you think of the person who tagged you?

I think she's extremely classy, seriously intelligent, totally cool and a bit glam to boot.


Which language do you want to learn?

Whatever the hell it is men speak


What's your favourite quote (for now)?

"We all go a little mad, sometimes" ~ Norman Bates


What's your favourite colour?

I'm going through a green phase at the moment ... but not like Kermit green


What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

My scarlet vintage cocktail dress


What is your dream job?

Author/Illustrator ... or vampire slayer


What's your favourite magazine?

Cosmopolitan ... I LOVE all those useless quizzes!


If you had £100 what would you spend it on?

I'd put it towards the Mr Condescending Trailer Park Fun Trip fund


Describe your personal style:

Bit of everything, variety is the spice of style


What are you going to do after this?

Go to bed and enjoy my rampant insomnia


What are your favourite films?

Gah! Impossible question! Here are a few I really like, but not exclusively favourites: Shawshank Redemption; The Bishop's Wife (the original, not the Denzel Washington version) As Good As It Gets; Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; You've Got Mail; The Apartment; Donnie Darko


Who would you like to see do a musical duet?

Crazy frog and Richard Clayderman


What is your favourite fruit?

Banana's ... a billion and one lame gags can't be wrong


What inspires you?

Intelligent humour, inventive use of words, colour ... and blokes with nice bottom's


Your favourite books?

Double gah!!! That's like the Sophie's Choice of meme questions! :( ... but I guess "The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories" should get an honourable mention




Do you collect anything?

Dust, mostly


What are you currently reading?

See the first question ... e-mails and other people's blogs


Worst place in the world?

Canvey Island ... the most misleadingly exotic name


Go to your bookshelf, take down the first book with a red spine you see, turn to page 26 and type out the first line:

"Take her ... She's too old for you" ~ The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger


By what criteria do you judge a person?

Sense of humour and by how much chocolate they buy me


As usual, I'm not going to tag anyone but feel free to carry it on if you so wish, all I ask is that you let me know so that I can come and see if your answers are cooler than mine and then ostracise your blog for ever more if they are.


Ok ... so now you can call off the search parties, be assured that I am alive and well, just a bit bloggily-challenged.

Normal services will resume shortly.

Ps: Happy Thursday :) x