And here is the news ...

*Shuffles papers on desk in an important manner*

Good Evening, I'm Holden McGroin and here are tonight's headlines ...


Girl Interrupted Employed Again

After 3 weeks of pan handling and busking to make ends meet the Blogger known as Girl Interrupted has found employment. Not, as some have speculated, in an abattoir or a pysch ward but as an administrator for a company that assists people with a hearing disability.

When interviewed, Miss Interrupted said "I'm thrilled! It was getting to the stage where I was going to have to seriously consider MacDonald's as a career option ... well, that or grave robbing, but I hate getting my hands dirty ... so that ruled out MacDonald's"

We sent our roving reporter to speak to Miss Interrupted's good blog-chum, Mr London Street:

Roving Reporter: Mr London Street, what do you think about Miss Interrupted's new job? Do you think she's fit to deal with people with hearing disabilities, or is the company just asking for trouble?

Mr London Street: Pardon?


And in other news ...

Surgical Masks Are The New Fashion Accessory

In the wake of the deadly Swine Flu epidemic surgical masks are now the "must have" haute couture item of the season, with all the top designers demanding thousands for their pieces. We take a look now at some of the best:


A bold and vibrant look from Lacroix












A cheeky little number from Vivienne Westwood









And something fun yet practical from George @ Asda










Some celebrity's even predicted the epidemic years in advance and created their own look











Miss Wrinkles 2009 Crowned

Doris Norris of Shepherd's Bush has won the coveted award following a dramatic competition.

Beating four other aged lovelies ... there had been six originally but sadly two died during the competition ... Doris lists knitting, spying on the neighbours, overcooking cabbage and incontinence amongst her many fine qualities.

When asked for his thoughts on this year's winner, Bob Mould the compere said "I thought the best pensioner won ... although the crowning ceremony was a little embarrassing, what with Doris' bowel problem ... luckily the winner's throne doubled as a commode and with just a little careful positioning of the other contestants, I think we got away with it"





Opera Singing Rabbit Wins "Has Britain Got Talent?"

Conclusive proof there viewers, that in fact, they don't









Chuck Norris Finds God and Re-Launches His Career

That's right, you heard it here first, folks!

Nunchucks are available from Toys R Us and all good psychopathic blackmarket traders from June 1st










Madonna Spotted Flying To South America
Last seen at JFK Airport clutching a fistful of dollars Madonna told reporters "Get the f*ck outta my way, I have accessories to buy!"







As News Breaks That A New Deadly Hamster Flu Is Set To Grip The World, Guilty Instigator Explains How It Started









From me, Holden McGroin ... that's all for tonight, thank you for tuning in! Goodnight!