Boris cordially invites you to London ...

Take a look at this video

The rather posh, bumbling man with the mad hairdo is Boris Johnson, Tory MP and the editor of the Spectator magazine



Scary huh?

Want to know something even more bizarre?

Boris is the current Lord Mayor of London.

Yep. I know, how the hell did THAT happen, right?

No Dick Whittington is he? ... Well ... maybe the dick bit ...

Starting as he meant to go on, one of the first things he announced as Lord Mayor was a plan to ban the consumption of alcohol on London public transport in a bid to cut alcohol-related crime. Genius. Except that on the final evening on which alcohol was to be permitted on London transport, thousands of drinkers descended on the Underground system to mark the event. Six London Underground stations were closed as trouble began, and a number of staff and police were assaulted. Police made 17 arrests as several trains were damaged and withdrawn from service.

So you can imagine how popular he was.

Now he's lauched a tourism push for London snappily titled "Only in London: the 100" referring to 100 suggested things to do in London exclusively.

For someone who originated in London and knows it well, it's an amusing and bewildering read. (As a tax payer who will be generously contributing to the £2 million price tag for this marketing campaign ... not so funny.)

Here are some of the things Boris and his happy gang of loonies suggest London tourists might enjoy:


1. See where the Gunpowder Plot was first contrived at Eastbury Manor House in Barking
(Ah, if only Guy Fawkes and his chums had tried harder and been a bit more organised, we all might have been spared the likes of Boris Johnson)

7. Visit the resting place of Karl Marx at Highgate Cemetery
(Because nothing says excitement like the grave of a German communist?)

9. Sleep alongside the Egyptian mummies at the British Museum
(Sleep? I'm fairly sure you'll be politely asked to leave if you do this)

14. Visit St Paul's, once the largest cathedral in England, with the largest crypt in Europe
(Or ... you could go to the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral which actually IS the largest cathedral in England)

34. Visit the Fan Museum – the first and only museum in the world devoted entirely to all aspects of the ancient art of the fan
(Still awake?)

12. Drink at Europe's longest champagne bar at St Pancras International
36. Drink at Dickens' and Thackary's pub, the historical Trafalgar Tavern in Greenwich
41. Enjoy an organic pint at the World's first organic pub, The Duke of Cambridge in Islington
73. Drink in the George Inn on Borough High Street – London's only surviving galleried coaching inn, mentioned in Dickens' Little Dorrit
(So basically get totally smashed everywhere ... EXCEPT for on the London Transport System, of course)

38. Look out for "The Diver" in Rainham – the only sculpture to stand in the river Thames
(Just make sure you're not standing downwind if you intend to visit in warmer temperatures)

39. Connect to the world at Heathrow, Europe's largest air hub
(Never mind about the delays and lost baggage, that's all part of the "experience")

43. Join the party at Notting Hill Carnival, Europe's largest street carnival
(And enjoy the soaring crime rate whilst you party)

55. Enjoy strawberries and cream at Wimbledon Centre Court
(Just be sure to take out a small loan to pay for it beforehand)

63. Picnic in the world's greenest city – almost a third of London is green space – more than any other city its size in the world
(And for added family fun, play "Dodge the dog poo" and "How many pieces of litter can we spot?")

77. Be inspired by more theatrical performances than anywhere else in the world
(*Jazz hands*)

79. Travel on the world's oldest subterranean travel system in the world – the London Underground
(Now ignominiously recognised as the most unreliable transport system in the world)

80. Shop in the UK's leading retail city – more than 40,000 shops and 80 individual markets
(And enjoy the unique service provided by the capital's several hundred pickpockets and bag snatchers to make the experience complete)

86. The most popular European City for business
(Credit crunch, anyone?)

93. Stare in wonder at Van Gogh's Sunflowers for free at the National Gallery
(And marvel at how ugly it is and wonder why any fool would pay US $39,921,750 for it)

94. Go behind the scenes at Lords, the home of cricket
(Because, let's face it, that's going to be alot more interesting than the actual game)

100. See the original Mamma Mia! in its 10th year in the West End
(If you wasn't already sufficiently embarrassed by the movie)


Don't get me wrong, like any other person who doesn't actually have to live there I think London is a rather cool place, and there really is a wealth of great things to do and see ... I just don't think this list does it any justice. It looks hurried and somewhat desperate for ideas, like they got to number 7 and suddenly thought "Crap! Where are we going to get another 93 from!? Oh wait! Let's tell them to moonwalk to a Michael Jackson concert! Yeah! That works!"

£2 million for that? Seriously?

It's a joke. Just like Boris Johnson, who still hasn't realised that we are all laughing ... and we are most definitely not laughing WITH him.