There are many things I dislike about this town (just because I live here doesn't mean I have to like it!) but one of the things I really HATE is the fact that it draws "Street Entertainers" ... I use that term in the loosest sense possibly btw, since as far as I'm concerned there is nothing remotely entertaining about what they do. We're not talking about the talented, artistic types who make Covent Gardens so much fun ... this is the arse-end of Norfolk, and the "talent" is pretty much what you'd expect ... ghastly.
The town is quite historical (yes, surprising I know ... it's probably the only cool thing about this place) and therefore attracts busloads of elderly tourists, who in turn attract the buskers (btw: apparently it's not politically correct to refer to them as buskers anymore since the term is synonomous with begging and "Street Entertainers", so we're told, are serious musicians trying to reach a wider audience ... but WTF, they piss me off so I'll call them what I like. We all know they're either desperate wannabes who never "made it" and weren't even good enough to get on "Britains Got Talent" or they're simply lazy bums who don't want a proper job and would rather spend their days musically torturing the likes of me).
Some come and go (thank GOD), one-day wonders etc, but for the most part we have a gruesome line-up of core regulars, including:
The Trumpet Playing Faker: - One guy and his trumpet; manages to play the most depressing tunes known to man so that by the end of the day you feel like you've been attending an all-day funeral. Faker because he doesn't even play live! It's painfully obvious he's merely miming to a recording (copies of which you can buy for £10 by the way, all you trumpet lovers out there), every time I see him I get an urge to snatch his trumpet and reveal him as the big non-trumpeter he is ... and then stick it somewhere no trumpet should ever be stuck.
The Country & Western (*gags*) - Folk Singing 70's Reject: - Oh boy! Where to start! This guy wins the medal for being the worst of the bunch (probably because he shows up the most often). He's quite old and clearly couldn't decide whether he wanted to be Johnny Cash or Roger Whittaker in the 70's and just got stuck in this terrifying identity crisis. He looks like a huge, pony-tailed version of Colonel Sanders and wears the most bizarre outfit of matching denim and leather flares and waistcoat, a denim skippers hat and platform boots. You can guarantee he'll turn up AT LEAST 3 out of the 5 week days and drone out the same god-awful repertoire, day after day after day after day. He's not a good singer, he clearly chooses songs he likes which unfortunately are way outside of his vocal range (Baa Baa Black Sheep probably being the only song inside it), resulting in a number of cringe-making dud notes or poor attempts to adapt the song, singing low notes where there should be high etc. The end result is that no matter which songs he sings, they all sound alike. There is a depressing quality to his voice that after approximately 20 minutes literally makes you want to scream and hack your own ears off with a blunt stick.
The Peruvian Pan Pipers: - Remember "The Fast Show"? The group who just stood around in gaudy ethnic blankets, blowing discordantly into their instruments with no obvious sense of form or rhythm as they stamped their feet and shuffled around? Yeah, well ... these guys make them look good.
The Pseudo Native Americans: - They certainly look the part, if it wasn't for their strong Birmingham accents they'd have us all fooled. They only seem to know 3 songs too ... and there's only so many times you can listen to really loud, repetitive yowling before you start to wish you had a gun.
The Scottish Bum: - Serious contender and close runner-up for the "Most Awful & Annoying" medal. This guy has been around for years (unfortunately) and he's still singing the same tired, old songs. Always dressed in denim, looking like Status Quo's dodgiest fan, when this guy isn't haunting some doorway with his guitar then he's signing on at the dole office or is spending his money on cigarettes or coffee and pasties from my mum's shop. To be fair, he hasn't got a bad voice, but like the 70's Reject he doesn't have a clue about range and consistently chooses songs that strain his voice and make him sound worse. Plus, he sings "Breakfast at Tiffanys" which only makes me loathe him more. His only saving grace is that his presence sometimes stops the 70's Reject from setting up.
The Country & Western Wannabe: - BLEH! Apart from the fact that he sings Country & Western (which personally I believe to be the 8th Deadly Sin) this guy is desperate with a capital D and takes himself way too seriously. He does the whole vomit-inducing "Nashville" look, cowboy hat and boots, shoestring tie, fringed waistcoat etc and shamelessly pushes his cd's (£15 each!!!!! Pfffffttt!) which of course the local, sister-shagging bumpkins buy by the dozen. His voice is technically good but he knows it and only sings the same 5 songs over and over, telling his audience that if they want to hear more then all they have to do is buy a cd. I've never had much respect for the locals (webbed-footed freaks that they are) but the fact that they allow themselves to be musically held to ransom ... over second rate Country music too!!!! ... merely confirms the righteousness of my contempt.
The Mad Juggler: - This guy is a bit of a legend ... probably for all the wrong reasons, but hey! A legend nonetheless. He's madder than a box of frogs of course but his madonna-esque attempts at constantly moving with the times and finding new gimmicks warrants some grudging respect at the very least. He started off just juggling (hence his title) not that you could technically call throwing a couple of small bean bags from one hand to the other as juggling ... but it was a start. Soon he introduced singing (mumbling) to his act, which he clearly thought was a bigger crowd-pleaser as he then ditched the juggling (although he occasionally returns to it) and found a guitar, gallantly plucking away at the two strings as he mumbled his way through what might have been "Mull of Kintyre" or maybe even the Uzbechistan national anthem. Who knows. He's also tried his hand at ventriloquism, dancing and what can only be described as "posing with a hula hoop". For all his eccentricity I actually find him alot more entertaining and a lot less offensive than any of the others. Kudos.
The Classical Fiddler: - To show that I don't just have a grudge against buskers in general I thought I'd mention one that I actually like. This guy is really talented, he uses a recorded background but does actually play his violin and has a large repertoire of classical pieces that are a soothing, welcome balm to the musical senses after a week of being aurally bludgeoned by the other "artistes". Sadly he doesn't show up very often, which is just typically my luck.
So anyway, my reason for making this (somewhat long, rambling ... apologies) post is because late this morning, just as I'd thought I was actually having a pleasant day ... I heard the strum of a guitar and then "Puff the Magic Dragon" being droned to death (I had to sing that at Infants School btw ... I don't remember there being 20 verses!).
Yep ... the 70's Reject was back.
:( *sigh*
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