Once upon a time, in a magical land far, far away a queen sat sewing at her window, she pricked her finger on the needle and a drop of blood fell on the snow that had fallen on her ebony window frame (not quite sure how that happened ... unless she was leaning right OUT the window while she sewed ... maybe she was having a cheeky joint or something). As she looked at the blood on the snow, she said to herself, "$hit! That hurt! Oh, how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony ... then I could make HER do all the damn sewing and I could lounge around on a chaise longue, eating chocolates and watching Jerry Springer all day! If sweat shops and child labour are good enough for Gap, then it's good enough for me!". Conveniently soon after that, the queen gave birth to a baby girl who just so happened to have skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony. What a coincidence, huh? They named her Princess Shirley. As soon as the child was born, the queen died ... but it's ok, that lazy ho had it coming.Soon after, the king took a new wife, an ex beauty queen with a penchant for power suits 
and politics that he met in strip club, who was kinda attractive but totally power crazed and very vain. The Queen possessed a magical mirror that answered any question; but the thing she would ask it most was "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?" to which the mirror always replied "Tsk! Not AGAIN! Do we really have to go over this time and time again?! Get over yourself girlfriend!" but then the Queen would have a hissy fit, stamp her feet and have somebody's head lopped off, so to make life easier the mirror would sigh and say "You, my Queen, are fairest of all, blah blah, yaddah, yaddah." to which the Queen would reply "You betcha" and wink knowingly at the mirror.
And so the years passed; but things took a sinister turn when Snow White reached the age of seven; she became as beautiful as ... er, that girl on Little House on the Prairie ... and when the Queen asked her mirror, it responded: "Queenie, you're not bad, nice rack 'tis true, but Snow White is WAY fairer than you."
The Queen was livid. The mirror was taken down forthwith and placed on the sex offenders register, while the Queen in a jealous rage ordered a huntsman to take Shirley into the woods to be killed. She demanded that the huntsman return with the child's heart as proof of her death but having taken her into the forest and raised his knife to stab her, the wuss found himself unable to kill her. He'd just bought a dashing new tunic and matching tights and was damned if he was going to get blood on them. So instead, he let her go, telling her to flee and hide, figuring the wolves would soon find her anyway and finish her off. He took the heart of a young badger back to the Queen, which she had prepared by the castle chef and then ate it ... with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Meanwhile, in the forest, Shirley had discovered a tiny cottage belonging to seven dwarfs, where she rested.
The dwarfs were:
Doc: Myopic, self-appointed leader; once spurned by a garden gnome he developed a Napoleon complex and decided death and Nazi's were "kinda cool"
Bashful: Having been hideously disfigured by a hula-hoop when just a young dwarf he preferred to hide behind a mask and rarely spoke, although that was more to do with the fact he sounded like a girl
Grumpy: Really wanted to be the top-dwarf but got whupped by Doc in a thumb-wrestling match and did nothing but sulk and bitch about it for ever more.
Sleepy: Narcoleptic with no sense of style and dull as a Jeffrey Archer novel, universally loathed and avoided by the other dwarfs and indeed, all sentient beings
Sneezy: Wannabe gangsta-rapper, Sneezy from the block was allergic to cats, trampolines, raspberry jam ... and beards. As a consequence of being part of the baddest, most vertically challenged and hirsute posse of mofo's he constantly had the sniffles and spent his spare time trying to invent the "Stay-Clean Handkerchief"
Happy: Used to be called Gay, but thanks to the onslaught of political correctness was forced to adopt a less "out there" moniker. Internally tortured and screaming inside he maintained a facade of false bravado, choreographing perky jazzacize routines whilst secretly harbouring daydreams of being a crack-shot sniper
Dopey: Follicly and mentally challenged, Dopey was a karaoke legend in his own forest and considered the perfect evening to be spent in gorging on burgers and fizzy drinks whilst miming to Madonna's greatest hit.
So anyway, the dwarfs took pity on young Shirley, saying "If you will keep house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall have everything that you want." Shirley thought "Eff that $hit! What am I? Your mother?" but cunningly stayed quiet, fairly sure that a combination of pouting, tantrums and putting important stuff on top of tall cupboards would keep the dwarfs right where she wanted them.
They soon fell into a happy routine and the years passed; the dwarfs would go off to work each morning and Shirley, who had hit the teenage years, would lounge around, dreaming of boys, eating chocolate and talking and singing to the birds and animals, as they didn't have cable. She streaked her hair blue, got a tattoo and changed her name to Snow White, which she thought made her sound more "street".
Everyone was happy, the dwarfs soon learnt who was boss and became devoted to the arrogant brat. Each morning they would warn her to take care, not to talk to strangers or men inviting her to see some puppies and above all else to let no one in while they were away delving in the mountains.
But Snow White didn't listen, because she was a smart-mouthed teenager who knew everything already.
Meanwhile, the Queen was feeling her age, she was regularly having to colour her hair and her boobs, unless supported by industrial strength brassieres, could be found in the region of her knees. She dug out her mirror once again and asked "Who's the fairest of them all?", and was horrified to learn that Snow White was not only alive and well and living with the dwarfs, but was still the fairest of them all ... with perky boobs!
So the Queen decided to disguise herself and visit the dwarfs' cottage while they were away during the day and then try to kill the little biatch once and for all.
DA DA DA DAAAAAAAA
First, disguised as a peddler, the Queen offered colorful stay-laces and laced Snow White's corset super tight. The young girl fainted and thinking her dead (dumb much) the Queen left. However, it turned out that Snow White was merely weak from hunger, having practically starved herself to get into a size 0, and was successfully revived by the dwarfs.
Alas! The Queen found out and returned, dressed as a different old woman, and brushed Snow White's hair with a poisoned comb, which she'd seen on sale at Murderers R Us. Snow White again collapsed, but again was saved by the canny dwarfs who quickly washed her hair hoping to rinse out the poison (not to mention the awful blue hair dye).
Finally, the Queen made a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer's wife, offered it to Snow White. When the girl hesitated to accept it, asking if the Queen had any poptarts instead, the Queen cut the apple in half, ate the white part and gave the poisoned red part to Snow White. She finally ate the apple and immediately fell into a deep coma. When the dwarfs found her, they couldn't revive her like before, even the Heimlich manoeuvre didn't work and so they placed her in a glass coffin (creepy Doc's idea), assuming she was dead.
Time passed and a prince traveling through the land heard a rumour that some midget dudes 
living in the forest were selling tickets to see a hot, dead chick for just a couple of gold pieces. He'd never seen a hot chick, dead or alive, as he lived in a land very similar to Germany. He decided to go and as soon as he saw Snow White he was smitten, enchanted by her beauty and instantly fell in love with her. He begged the dwarfs to let him have the coffin. The dwarfs figured they could overlook a bit of necrophilia as long as the price was right and the prince's servants started to carry the coffin away.
However, whilst doing so, they stumbled on Bashful's hula-hoop, almost dropping the coffin; the movement finally caused the piece of poisoned apple to dislodge from Snow White's throat and awakening with a spluttering choke she demanded to know where the eff she was, why she was in an effin glass box and who was the weird effin short dude staring at her tata's. The prince was even more entranced and declared his love for her, "I would die 4 U" he said. Snow White clocked his fancy clothes and bling and decided, little goldigger that she was, that an effeminate short guy would make an excellent spouse as long as he was loaded.
Soon the wedding date was set.
Back at the castle the vain old Queen, still believing that Snow White was dead, once again asked her mirror who was the fairest in the land, and yet again the mirror disappointed and enraged her by responding "You, my queen, are fair; it is true. But the young queen is much hotter than you" and then burst into a chorus of Carly Simon's "You're so vain".
Not knowing that this new queen was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrived at the wedding, and her heart filled with dread and bitterness when she finally realized the truth.
Not the forgiving kind, Snow White ordered that the Queen should be punished for her wicked ways. She took away her straighteners and Frizz-Eaze, she made her wear polyester catsuits and A-line skirts with sensible shoes and finally confiscated all her industrial strength bras. The horror and shame was simply too much for the Queen to bear and she fell down dead.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Well ... until the money ran out, then Snow White left the prince with his 5-a-day corpse addiction and their three, suspiciously short and bearded, offspring and travelled to the big city where she became a celebrated burlesque bird-whisperer.
As for the seven dwarfs, they were last seen auditioning for the part of Mickey Rooney in a Broadway version of his autobiography "Life is Short & So Am I"
