First, I'd like to say a big sooper-dooper-looper of a thank you to the lovely Vic of What
Were YouThinking? for the mighty "Vic Award" that she kindly gave me a couple of days ago. You know you've arrived, in blog terms, when someone of Vic's calibre says they like your stuff, even if that person wants to bite your face six times ... yes, that is a bizarre thing to say, isn't it? If you want to know what the feck I'm on about you'll have to go and read her post ... actually, you should do that anyway. Consider that an order ... although I'm English, so consider it more of a hesitant and polite request, said whilst blushing and self-consciously scuffing the toe of my shoe.
Apparently I need to pass this on to three bloggers who I admire ... which is really, really hard! I follow so many blogs now and they're all so cool, plus I can't remember who I have and haven't given awards to :/ ... I'd like to give it to all the blogs I read, but then I guess it wouldn't mean as much. So ... I'm awarding it to:
Kristine at Wait In The Van because her posts make me chuckle on a regular basis
Prometheus at A Misspent Life because he always comes up with interesting and humorous things to ponder on
Mr Condescending at Advice and Humor from Mr Condescending because despite being a bit shocking and ... well, condescending, he always does a good job of his posts and manages to make me laugh and wince at the same time.
Remember I had that whole Twitter dilemma a little while ago? Well I finally gave in and am now "tweeting" in as lackadaisical manner as I am blogging ... hey! at least I'm consistent! I'm still not sure if it's my cup of tea, but maybe it will grow on me. I guess I'll stick with it a little while longer and find out.
It's been really quiet at work this last week so I don't have any guffaw-inducing stories about dodgy old folk to tell you. The scary Brazilian lady didn't return, sadly and since my contract with the company finishes tomorrow my chances of seeing her again are slim. The agency have put me forward for an accounts manager post which I'm waiting to hear more about, so I'm not too concerned about leaving. I'll keep you posted.
There was one mildly amusing episode which I can share with you. It was a particularly slow afternoon and I was sitting at my desk pondering the big questions life is constantly raising (i.e. should I buy those adorable wedge sandals in the red or the black? Is that a grey hair??? And if it is ... should I pluck it out with tweezers? Should I dye my hair an unlikely shade of raven? Or should I just get drunk and cry about nearly being 30? And if Britain's Got Talent ... what the hell does Azerbaijan have?) when the door rattled open and in walked a middle aged gentleman. He was quite posh and was sporting a lovely pink, cashmere sweater that made him look a bit like a golfer and flashed me a big, shiny smile that made me think of Dentagrip adverts.
Him: Hello!
Me: (trying not to grin) Hello!
Him: You've had a bit of a change around in here!!
Me: (slightly puzzled look) Er ... no, I don't think so
Him: Yes you have!
Me: No, as far as I know it's always been like this.
Him: (rather indignantly) You have, I tell you!
Me: (blank look)
Him: You're the estate agents, aren't you!
Me: (looks at him)
Him: (looks at me)
Me: (looks at big plastic ears in the front window)
Him: (looks at big plastic ears in the front window)
Me: (looks at him, raises eyebrows and smiles)
At which point he hurriedly left without saying another word.
Ok, confession time ... I've been reading the Daily Mail.
*hangs head in shame*
I know. You don't have to say it.
The thing is the guy I work with buys it every day ... and work is just THAT boring a lot of the time.
Anyway, I've noticed that they seem to have a thing about the battle of the sexes. They constantly pit men against women in all kinds of ways, today it was "Who Writes Better Sex Scenes?" Apparently somebody's written a book and claimed that "female authors seldom write well about sex" and so the Daily Male (sic) gave a selection of "sexy" snippets penned by famous authors and asked you to judge whether they'd been written by a man or a woman.
God it was awful!
Things like this made me cringe:
Extract A
'Ooh-la-la!' she breathed as he smelled the clean aroma of her short bobbed hair and the rain-sodden grass around it.
'Oooh-la jolly well-la!' And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. 'Gosh', 'Golly' and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even 'Tally ho!'
When it was over she pushed him off, stood up and lit a cigarette. It was still too dark to see anything but the glow of the burning tip, and by the way that was moving about Kingsley sensed that she was buttoning herself up.
'Jolly nice,' she said, 'most invigorating.'*shudder*
No wonder people think us English folk are sad and loopy (and have bad teeth)! Frankly, it's a wonder anybody outside the UK mates with us.
So what do you reckon? Who wrote that embarrassing piece of literary cack? A man or a woman?
And how about this?:
Extract J
She planted moist, hot kisses all over his body. Beads of sweat began to appear on Guy's forehead as he became more entangled in the lissome limbs of this human boa constrictor. For fully 15 minutes their mutual passion heightened, with groans, sighs and liquid noises.Seriously ... liquid noises?????
And finally this one?:
Extract H
We made love by our fire, watching the snow shape the entrance to the cave. When I touch her, my fingers don't question what she is. My body knows who she is. The strange thing about strangers is that they are unknown and known.
There is a pattern to her, a shape I understand, a private geometry that numbers mine. She is a maze where I got lost years ago, and now find the way out. She is the missing map. She is the place that I am. She is a stranger. She is the strange that I am beginning to love.ZzzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzz
So were the authors male or female? Let's see what people really think.
Well that's all for now, I'm off to bed for some much needed tossing and turning and sighing and sulking (multitasker MUCH), but I'll leave you with some amusing pictures that will hopefully make you chuckle.
Til next time xx
So, US blog-chums ... is THIS why you voted for him?
Is THIS what got him the women's vote?
(available in Democratic Blue or Presidential Gold)
Poor Spiderman! Now he's wishing he hadn't agreed to wear the Spidey suit his Grandma so lovingly knitted for him.
What were the advertisers thinking???
"Because nothing says "Quality sportswear" like a blow job"
(Yes that is what you think it is on her leg, I'm just as shocked as you are ... fishnet popsocks just shouldn't be worn ... ever!)
Er ...
Ps: My blog chum Diane from Cooking Blind sent out an email today saying she was having some trouble with her internet provider, so if you didn't get the email and are wondering where the heck she is, be reassured that she is hoping to be back amongst us in about 5 days time. Let's hope so, because it's not the same without Diane.
And while we're on the subject of people MIA ... does anyone know where Peggy of Stir Crazy in the Suburbs is??? I haven't seen her post in ages, which is a real shame because I love her blog, I'm missing the daily smiles she provides :( And also Greta of Noodling fame?? Apart from wanting to know she's ok, I'm in serious need of more drain pictures!
