Am I On Milk Cartons Yet? ...

Well it seems that some people have been worried about my recent lack of blogging! Some (wordsx3) have even put up posters! Awww! Thanks words!

I'm touched, truly, and I apologise for my poor blogging efforts ... luckily I have a number of handy excuses:

• Work has been an OAP desert, not one little blog-worthy conversation or telephone call. I've spent most of the last week sitting reading various books and magazines, very dull work. I even tried standing out in the street, trying to lure the old buggers in with the promise of a boiled sweet and a nice cup of tea, but they weren't buying it.

• My friends have abandoned me for sunnier climes ... where's the chuckle-fest of abuse when you need it, eh? Greece and Jamaica apparently.

• A combination of the above has left me bored to death, tired and seriously lacking in humorous motivation ... I even trawled all your blogs looking for stuff to steal ... ahem, I mean to inspire me, of course ... but nope! I got nothing!

• This is actually my 100th post (huzzah!) and I was hoping to do something a bit spectacular so I've been stalling in the hope of being struck by some ingeniously, witty and devastatingly creative idea ... bleh! Well clearly that ain't gonna happen, so you'll have to make do with the usual old tat.

Ah well, c'est la vie de blog.

I thank every twinkly star in the sky for my lovely blog-chums, because despite failing to provide me with easily purloinable material, they have come up trumps with a few tags and meme's.

Tsk! Yes, I know you've seen it all before, but what would you rather? Should I wait until I'm inspired with something unique to write about? I mean that could take some time, would a pensioner posting about an amusing mix-up over their Sanatogen, blood pressure pills and laxative tablets really be that entertaining? Or should I just go ahead and be a tag ho?

Right. Tag ho it is.

Firstly though, congrats to Chaka and J.J who also just celebrated their 100th posts. J.J. came up with the idea of posting 100 facts about herself, which looked a lot of fun and I seriously considered stealing shamelessly. Only problem was I couldn't think of anything, not a single thing ... so I've put that one on the back burner for now. Maybe by time I'm 100 years old I'll have thought of a few entertaining things to share with you, favourite chin whisker and record number of young people I've embarrassed or annoyed etc.

I also want to thank The Jules for giving me an award recently, naming mine as being one of his favourite blogs! I haven't been following his blog for long but he's rapidly become one of my favourites and I can highly recommend him if you're looking for something amusing to read.

Now Diane at Cooking Blind came up with a really inventive idea, writing a short story and using it to mention/tag all your favourite bloggers. Cool huh? I'm quite intrigued by this one because it gives you plenty of scope for creativity, so I'm going to have a go. However, it's not as easy as it might seem so I think it's going to take me a day or so to come up with something. But watch this space. I've got a huge list of blogs that I follow, most of them with weird arse titles, so it should be entertaining ... and probably a bit surreal. Brace yourselves.

So what am I going to give you? I'm going to give you a meme, which came to me via the lovely sas at sas's magical mystery tour. If you haven't yet checked out her blog, please do, she finds the coolest, most unusual stuff and best of all each post makes you think. I love blogs like that, nearly all the blogs I follow have that in common.

So on with the meme, it's basically the same one I did a few weeks ago, but thanks to the stipulation that you have to change one of the questions that you don't like it's morphed into something a bit different and hopefully won't make you groan "Urgh! Good grief, woman! Enough with the meme's already!"

What is your current obsession?

Monsters. Not as in the big "rawwwrrr I'm going to eat you" type that lives under your bed, but rather real life "monsters", thanks to the really interesting book that I'm reading at the moment. The author covers 101 well known nasties, so there's not a great deal of in depth information, but enough to hook your interest and get you Googling or searching Wikipedia.

I don't wish to seem to flippant, and I in no way mean to trivialise their crimes against humanity ... but that cover picture did make me giggle a bit.

There you have Joseph Stalin with his cap at the most ridiculously jaunty angle, Henry VIII who looks like a bulldog with a beard, Lucrezia Borgia who apparently had hair extensions made out of macaroni and Hitler ... how did anybody take him seriously with that moustache? Not one of them looks the part of a "Monster", but then I suppose that's the scariest element about them, that and the knowledge that tomorrows "Monsters" walk among us and look just like you and me.


I'm also fascinated with bizarrely named food products ...

I'll randomly pop some more in as we go along (that's what he said)



Oh, and I'm a bit obsessed with sausage.



What is your weirdest obsession?

Well, being obsessed with sausage is a bit weird, right?



What are you wearing today?

An enigmatic smile


What's for dinner?

Er ... sausages (I told you I was obsessed) ... maybe I could have them in a nice sauce? ...








and then wash it down with some ...







(so THAT'S what the "secret ingredient" is!)






What would you eat for your last meal?

Either a big plate of lasagne or Thai food (satay chicken! Mmmm) with a great big latte and a cherry coke to follow. If I still hadn't exploded I'd have raspberry cheesecake for dessert.




I would probably not ask for these ...














er ... or this








What's the last thing you bought?

Some batteries ;) haha


What are you listening to right now?

James Morrison's "Songs for you, truths for me" album ... his voice gives me goosebumps and I quite fancy him, I think it's the curly hair


What do you think of the person who tagged you?

I think she's extremely classy, seriously intelligent, totally cool and a bit glam to boot.


Which language do you want to learn?

Whatever the hell it is men speak


What's your favourite quote (for now)?

"We all go a little mad, sometimes" ~ Norman Bates


What's your favourite colour?

I'm going through a green phase at the moment ... but not like Kermit green


What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

My scarlet vintage cocktail dress


What is your dream job?

Author/Illustrator ... or vampire slayer


What's your favourite magazine?

Cosmopolitan ... I LOVE all those useless quizzes!


If you had £100 what would you spend it on?

I'd put it towards the Mr Condescending Trailer Park Fun Trip fund


Describe your personal style:

Bit of everything, variety is the spice of style


What are you going to do after this?

Go to bed and enjoy my rampant insomnia


What are your favourite films?

Gah! Impossible question! Here are a few I really like, but not exclusively favourites: Shawshank Redemption; The Bishop's Wife (the original, not the Denzel Washington version) As Good As It Gets; Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; You've Got Mail; The Apartment; Donnie Darko


Who would you like to see do a musical duet?

Crazy frog and Richard Clayderman


What is your favourite fruit?

Banana's ... a billion and one lame gags can't be wrong


What inspires you?

Intelligent humour, inventive use of words, colour ... and blokes with nice bottom's


Your favourite books?

Double gah!!! That's like the Sophie's Choice of meme questions! :( ... but I guess "The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories" should get an honourable mention




Do you collect anything?

Dust, mostly


What are you currently reading?

See the first question ... e-mails and other people's blogs


Worst place in the world?

Canvey Island ... the most misleadingly exotic name


Go to your bookshelf, take down the first book with a red spine you see, turn to page 26 and type out the first line:

"Take her ... She's too old for you" ~ The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger


By what criteria do you judge a person?

Sense of humour and by how much chocolate they buy me


As usual, I'm not going to tag anyone but feel free to carry it on if you so wish, all I ask is that you let me know so that I can come and see if your answers are cooler than mine and then ostracise your blog for ever more if they are.


Ok ... so now you can call off the search parties, be assured that I am alive and well, just a bit bloggily-challenged.

Normal services will resume shortly.

Ps: Happy Thursday :) x

DANGER!!! ... Ah, unagi ...

Do I seem nervous to you?

*nervous, shifty look*

You might have noticed that I'm currently reading a book on unnatural deaths? ... or you might not have ... after all, I only just changed it 5 minutes ago.

The thing is it's left me feeling rather nervous and paranoid.

Basically, I'm now convinced that I am surrounded by devious, vicious killers.

They're everywhere, I tell you! Everywhere!

Everyone who came into the office today seemed highly suspect ... I didn't care how old and wrinkly they were, they looked dodgy to me, I was there alone, vulnerable and so I was suitably cautious in my dealings with them.

It actually started with a non-wrinkly ... the guy who came to fit some sound panels in our dispensary rooms ... or so he claimed!

He was suspiciously tall and had the ponytail of a psychopath, I found myself wondering why would he carry such a large toolbox around? Hmm? Yes, I know he was supposed to be a workman of some kind, but he looked more like a Hell's Angel (in a Renault Megane) with nothing but vengeance and malice in his heart. A theory borne out by his cheery refusal of a cup of tea! Sinister! ... I squinted at him, Clint Eastwood stylee, just to show I wasn't intimidated by him and to let him know I was on to him. For the rest of the morning I sat with my chair positioned in a way that foiled any attempts of surprise attacks from the rear.

Then there was the "postman". Or was he? *suspicious squint*

It certainly wasn't our usual mail delivery representative ... very suspicious! What if he'd waylaid the official postie and brutally done him in? Stuffed his poor, mangled body inside one of the post box's somewhere and then stolen his uniform and identity! I hastily scanned his hands and clothing for blood stains or telltale signs of being involved in a violent struggle, which seemed to make him nervous. But not as nervous as when I carefully examined the several packages he was "delivering", tentatively shaking them and listening for any dubious ticking sounds.

Next came Mr Sucky-Sweet ... he looked a bit like Uncle Jesse off of The Dukes of Hazzard but was wearing faded corduroy not dungarees. He came in for batteries and appeared to be (rather noisily) enjoying a boiled sweet. Whilst I was writing out his receipt he offered me one from a small, rumpled looking paper bag. The alarm bells clanged loudly, the voice in my head (that sounded a lot like Homer Simpson for some bizarre reason) shouted "AARGH! POISON!". Doing my best rabbit-caught-in-headlights impression I shook my head and croaked "No thank you", hurriedly gave him his change and shooed him out the door.

Finally I had to deal with Betty the Vampire Slayer ... so called because of the eye-watering scent of garlic that precedes her arrival by at least 5 minutes.

Today she was in a bad mood; apparently she'd come into town on the bus on Saturday to pick up some batteries only to find the office closed. When I pointed to the door where it clearly says "Open week days, 9am - 5pm" she gave me an indignant look and snapped that Saturday WAS a week day, and that she thought it disgraceful that we shut on such a "vital day of the week". I noticed that she seemed to be gripping her handbag rather tightly as she fumed at me, and nervously wondered what she had in there, (besides the head of the neighbours rabbit), something deadly no doubt, a surgical stocking (to strangle me with), a knitting needle (deadly when inserted straight into the ear), an orthopedic shoe ("All the better for bludgeoning you with, my dear" *maniacal cackling*) ... I broke out in a cold sweat just thinking about all the violence an elderly woman the size of a stunted munchkin could subject me to. It was only after I'd stealthily slid the scissors across the desk to within easy grabbing distance that I began to feel safer and could breathe easy again.

Then tonight I thought I was being followed as I walked home; rapidly thinking about what James Bond would do in a similar situation I quickly ducked into a shop doorway and then watched as my evil stalker, foiled of his prey, hobbled past, clutching his walking stick in frustration.

Phew! That was a close one!



You know ... sometimes I wonder if my imagination is a little overactive?

Nah!

Constant vigilance, my friends!

Eh? Speak up! ...

So I'm heading into my second week of employment ... and I'm really enjoying it! There's not as much to do as I'd like, but the people I work with are fun and laid back and it's just a nice place to work.

Best of all though, without a doubt, are the clients.

As I've told you, it's a private company that assists people with hearing problems; supplying hearing tests, the latest technology in hearing aids and service and maintenance of hearing aids ... so basically a large proportion of the clients are extremely old, extremely wealthy and extremely deaf.

There's a lot of comedy value right there.

Some of my favourites so far are:

Mrs Veg - 96 years old, looks like an albino Sun-Maid raisin but has more energy than I do. She pops into the office to bring us fresh vegetables from her garden and have a chat on her way to afternoon Bingo. Last week her daughter came in to pick up some hearing aid batteries for her and told us how her mother can't hear a word that's said at Bingo, especially the numbers being called out and had been known to shout "Bingo!" excitedly having completely misheard and therefore not actually having any of the winning numbers.

Mr Nagging-Wife - he came into the office last week saying that his hearing aid appeared to have broken. When this was confirmed and it was suggested he get a new one he hastily declined. Puzzled by his insistent refusal the dispenser asked him "But don't you want to be able to hear?", the man cast a look outside to where his wife sat waiting in the car, "Well you see" he answered carefully, "the thing about being able to hear is that it's not always convenient ... "

Mr Plummy - ex ac-TOR (don't get too excited, he's nobody famous), wears one of those tweed jackets (although he's the type who would look perfectly at home in a cravat and silk smoking jacket) with the patches on the elbows, speaks in a frightfully posh manner and comes across as very abrupt and rather rude, however he does have a wonderful way with telling stories; he came in today, bringing his beautiful Irish Setter dog with him. Of course we commented on how handsome he was (the dog - not Mr Plummy), only to be told:

"Yes, well we went to visit a friend of my wife's who had this big house, full to the rafters of bally dogs! I'd just sat down and was waiting patiently to be offered a glass of sherry when this chap came bounding over and immediately stuck his nose in my personal trouser area! I turned to Mary and said "Well, I suppose we'll have to take the bally thing home now!" Worst purchase I ever made, although they didn't charge me much for him, and just as well ... the bally thing's gay! Can't use him for breeding at all!"


But the winner of "Most amusing aurally-challenged wrinklie" goes to Mrs Anonymous, for the following telephone conversation:

Me: Good afternoon, *insert company name*, how can I help?

Mrs A: HELLO?

Me: Hello?

Mrs A: ARE YOU THERE?

Me: Yes, I'm here ... how can I help?

Mrs A: WHO'S THAT?

Me: I'm Kate, you've phoned *insert company name*

Mrs A: IS THAT *insert company name*?

Me: Yes, it's *insert company name*, how can we help you?

Mrs A: (increasingly irritably) I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!

Me: Oh! I'm sorry! Are you having trouble with your hearing aid?

Mrs A: YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MY HEARING AIDS

Me: (trying not to giggle and speaking a little louder) Can I take your name please?

Mrs A: EH?

It doesn't help that I have a naturally soft voice, but I tried my best to talk as loud as I could without resorting to all-out shouting,

Me: WHAT. IS. YOUR. NAME. PLEASE?

Mrs A: NO. I THINK IT'S BROKEN

Me: I SAID WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Mrs A: I LIVE IN ELY

Me: YES, BUT. WHAT. IS. YOUR. NAME?

Mrs A: MY PHONE NUMBER?

Me: (knowing we could trace her on our computer system by her phone number I saw this as a golden opportunity and grasped at it futilely) YES! OK! WHAT IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

Mrs A: (getting seriously riled) I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!

Me: (silently screaming/laughing hysterically) WHAT IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER? ... OR YOUR POSTCODE?

Mrs A: CODE? WHAT CODE? THEY DON'T HAVE CODES ON THEM!

Me: (rapidly losing the will to live) NO. YOUR POSTCODE ... WHAT IS IT?

Mrs A: (in a really irritated tone) OH, NEVER MIND! I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER. YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY ARE SUCH MUMBLERS, YOU SHOULD SPEAK MORE CLEARLY, YOUNG WOMAN!

And she hung up on me!

Think I'm going to love this job :)




Also, here are some things that have made me laugh this week:


















Apparently Google had PMS or something ...









Google! How rude! ...












I NEED this t-shirt!









I swear I've worked in this office ... actually, that's me standing on the chair :/ ...





It's been a bad week for posting/commenting I'm afraid, but hopefully I'll soon be back on form ... it would really help if you lot didn't have such wonderful blogs and didn't keep posting awesome stuff that I'm compelled to read and then end up losing the precious time I would have spent compiling richly, comical posts for you!!!

Grrrrrrr ... yes, I blame you! Especially YOU!

Hope you're all having a great week :) x


Ps: Does anybody know what's happened to JP? (Joyless Prole ... aka Evil Superman ... aka Mr. Fancypants) :( Went to read his post and it said his account had been removed!! Was there some kind of memo that didn't hit my in-tray??

In which our heroine does some gardening and goes to the cinema ...

It was a bit of a mixed day, today.

The sun continues to shine on this little corner of England so I walked over to see the Swiss Family Manson first thing this morning and had breakfast with them.

I've been promising my Grandfather all week that I'd help him with some gardening, for some bizarre reason he ordered 500 plants this year, (God knows why! It already makes Kew Gardens look like an allotment) they were delivered last week and he's been in a fever of worry about getting them planted. Unfortunately the whole garden, which is a decent size, needed to be weeded and have the soil turned, blah, blah, etc, etc before any new plants could be put in.

I hate weeding. Actually, I pretty much hate gardening. I love to see green things growing but I'm the Grim Reaper of the plant world. No plant survives for longer than a week in my home, I either forget to water it or water it too much. Resistance is futile. My Grandmother was a plant whisperer, she would lovingly coax the dying plants I'd systematically tortured back to health and then find the perfect spot for them in her home, where they'd shame me by leading long and propserous lives. Now she's gone I just don't buy plants any more and make do with enjoying the beauty of my Grandfather's garden. The only problem is that in our family, there are no free rides. You're expected to participate. Which is a bit of a nightmare when you hate gardening.

Actually, that's not entirely true, I like mowing the lawn, especially with one of those groovy ride-on mowers! (I'm probably the only person who envied Forrest Gump his day job) I also don't mind pruning, I like to wear a big floppy straw hat and carry an elegant basket, pretending I'm the Lady of the manor as I delicately nip at rose stems and daydream about Pimms and cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. That's my idea of gardening.

My Grandfather's idea of gardening however involves me spending what feels like neverending hours weeding and digging stinky compost into the soil!

Within a couple of hours my back feels like it belongs to a geriatric Quasimodo with a nasty case of arthritis, my beautifully French manicured nails are broken and caked with soil (and I dread to think what else), and I'm so bored that the prospect of watching paint dry has become something of an erotic fantasy.

I also suspect I might have pulled up more plants than weeds, but it'll be fine, I hid them well underneath the pile of nettles and dandelions etc, I'm pretty sure nobody will find out.

The only light entertainment offered was provided by the dog, who managed to get a plant pot stuck on his head and then panicked and wouldn't stay still long enough for any of us to remove it. He finally ran into the fence and was dazed enough for us to grab him. Bless him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so to speak.

By lunchtime I'd had more than enough, so made my excuses and wandered home for a long soak in the bath.

I'd made arrangements with a couple of friends to go and see the new X-Men film this afternoon, so I toddled into town just after 4pm to meet up with them.

One friend didn't show up but sent an apologetic text explaining how a rather unpleasant stomach bug made it imperative for her to be within 10 feet of a toilet at all times, and also demanding a full description of Wolverine's bum (and preferably his "meat and two veg") when we got to that glorious part of the film. I sent her a text back suggesting it would be detrimental to her recovery to get too excited and therefore refused to meet her demands, good friend that I was and having only her welfare in mind. I won't say what she sent back, it wasn't terribly polite.

So my friend Alan and I went on our own, first taking out a small bank loan to pay for the drinks and chocolate raisins that we feel is an integral part of the cinematic experience.

But when we got to the kiosk ... they didn't have any chocolate raisins!! *DA DA DAAAA* They weren't just out of stock either, some dimwit had made the decision not to sell them any more!!! We stood dumbfounded, staring at the girl behind the counter like she'd just stepped out of an alien spacecraft. We demanded to know what kind of cinema didn't sell chocolate raisins, to which she flatly replied "This one".

We're seriously considering boycotting the cinema now and taking our business to one of the big, multiplexes. They might be soulless, money pits, but they're soulless, money pits with chocolate raisins.

The film was good, the special effects were cool and Wolverine looked lickable as ever. The only thing that marred a pleasant couple of hours were some of the other people in the cinema.

Why is it that wherever you sit you always get surrounded by the most cretinous of your fellow viewers?

There was a family of five, all extremely large, including two children who appeared to be 3 and 5 years of age. Of course the film held no allure for them so once they'd stuffed their fat little faces with enough sugar to bring on several diabetic seizures they spent the duration of the film running around the theatre, screaming and shouting at each other and their family members. The parents didn't say a word to them, the father sat completely absorbed in the film, staring agape at the screen as he shoved popcorn, crisps and chocolate into his mouth with the regular movement of a robot. He started eating and drinking as soon as he sat down and was still eating when he left. The mother spent most of her time playing and texting with her mobile phone, which she hadn't even bothered to set to silent. The whole film was punctuated with the most annoying beeps and jingles known to man.

Then there were the group of teenage boys, their dirty trainers resting on the back of the seats of the people unfortunate enough to be sitting in front of them, who decided that what the audience really needed was an "amusing" running commentary. I think they were the only ones who found it funny though. I DID find it funny when at the end of the film they all piled out, clearly considering themselves cooler than a penguins bum, and one of them tripped up the stairs and nearly took two others with him.

And of course, no cinema experience is complete without the couple who barely see ten minutes of the film because they're too busy eating each other's faces off. The worst bit is they're always sat in a position that makes it practically impossible to ignore them. Then at some point one of them happens to glance up and sees you watching them and say's indignantly "Do you mind?", to which their partner tut's and mutter's "Pervs!". This drives me insane! I want to say "Actually, do YOU mind? I came here to watch a film, instead I have to watch you two play tonsil tennis and I can't hear the film because it's drowned out by you slurping all over each other! Now go get a room, FFS!"

Just to top it off, as we were leaving the cinema I bumped into one of my ex's. Our history is a most unpleasant one and my stomach turned just to see his face again. I hate that he can still reduce me to feeling that way. He saw me and tried to talk to me and when I ignored him and tried to walk away he followed me and wouldn't leave me alone. Alan rather bravely stood up to him, which I loved him for, but it took several long, painful minutes for my ex to give it up and let me go. It put a bit of a downer on my day and has left me rehashing things I thought I'd put behind me a long time ago.

Oh well, it's nearly bedtime and as Scarlett O'Hara said "Tomorrow is another day".


Ps: Hope all my US blog-chums have had a lovely Mother's Day :)

For Gwen: Better Late Than Never ...

If you follow Gwen's rather superb blog Everything I Like Causes Cancer then you'll know that she recently celebrated her 600th post (woah!) and consequently ran a Show & Tell Extravaganza, asking, and I quote:

"So I want you to do me a favor. Tonight when you get home from work, or today while the kiddos are napping, go find your clothing/footwear/accessory equivalent of my pajama top and take a picture of the revered item. Post the picture on your own blog tomorrow and tell us the story behind it. You don't have to link back to this post because I don't get fussy about stuff like that but please do come back and leave a comment so we can find and enjoy your stories"

So I thought I'd have a rummage and see what I could find (and I DID link back ... simply because it is my opinion that Gwen's blog should be read and enjoyed by everyone ... and because I have issues with doing what I'm told to ... as my poor Mother will vouch for).

Anyway, having risked life and limb by trawling my way through several dangerously over-stuffed drawers, this is what I've decided to share with you ...


I bought this t-shirt to take to the V festival in 2007. The weather wasn't great (shocker) but the sun did finally come out and an awesome time was had by all.

I associate this top with good times, when I look at it, I think of me and my friends singing and dancing our hearts out as the Foo Fighters did their wondrous thing on stage. I'd just come out of the most heartbreaking split-up and I honestly felt like I would never smile again, but my friends and the Foo's rallied round and proved me wrong, at least for those two wonderful days.

The smile well and truly slipped when I saw the photos though. Hahaha ... oh lordy! ... it really did nothing for me, even with a little pair of denim shorts I still managed to look totally shapeless and rather boyish. So it's a pyjama top now that I slop around in on weekends when there's zero risk of anyone seeing me. My mum keeps asking me why I don't just get rid of it, especially since I have drawers full of much nicer, matching pyjamas and silky lingerie. She doesn't understand the sentimental value it holds. That is a t-shirt of hope, it's a symbol of comfort and beautiful friendship, of light at the end of the long, miserable Tunnel of Love-Death and of bitchin rock God's with great hair.

I also like how my crappy phone-cam has given the pic a kind of soft focus effect, like they use on ageing actresses to hide the wrinkles ... oh, sorry, I mean "laughter lines" (nothing's THAT funny though), my t-shirt is the Jane Seymour of style!



And this is what I wear with the t-shirt.

Yep, it's a pair of men's boxer shorts.

Hot, huh?

(I bet the guys have never wanted me more.)

They belonged to a guy I dated for a while a few years ago. I guess I liked his boxers more than I liked him. They're big and baggy, and with the top they make a pretty grim ensemble ... but oh my gosh, they're comfortable! I could happily lounge around in them all day (and have, on occasion)


So there you go, a sneaky peek at the beloved style faux pas' of Girl Interrupted.

I nearly posted a picture of my lucky "pulling pants", but if I did that I might jinx them and make them lose their magical ability. You wouldn't want that, would you?


Oh, and before I go, here's another photo of Puss in Snoots, as requested by Mr Condescending.

We go through a ritual every Saturday and Sunday morning; on week days I'm up earlier so I'm spared the cat alarm, but at the weekends I like to have a lie-in, this however is most definitely NOT met with approval from the ginger whinger, who wants her breakfast at the same time as during the week.

It starts with her getting up on the bed, right next to my head if possible, and just staring at me. She obviously thinks she can will me to wake me up, or shout in my ear by means of telepathy. When this fails pathetically she will gently pat my face with her paw. She likes to give me a fair chance to do the right thing before turning to more aggressive tactics. However, when I mumble at her to "sod off" and roll over she starts to get a bit narked and pulls my hair. My answer to this is to grumble about "effin cats" and duck my head under the covers.

Thoroughly annoyed, she will then come round and jump onto the bedside table where she proceeds to stare at me again, this time with a steely glint in her beady little eyes. If I were smart (and awake) I would know that she was rapidly reaching the end of her patience with me and I would hurry out of bed and into the kitchen. But alas, I am rarely smart or awake at 6am on a weekend.

So she starts to push whatever happens to be on the bedside table on to the floor. One by one until I give a shout of annoyed despair, throw back the duvet cover and alternate a string of abusive names with big, hearty yawns while grumpily rubbing my bloodshot eyes.

At that stage, clearly wary of reprisals she jumps down from the bedside table and sits looking up at me, smug triumph written all over her evil, furry little features, a look that says "Don't mess with me bitch, I'll win every time. Now get your lazy butt out of that bed ... don't make me take a dump in your slipper. You WILL feed me now, and you WILL enjoy it".

A look, something like this ...

It's All About MEme ...

Yep ... it's another meme.

Don't tut and roll your eyes like that ... I'm a working girl now (not a prozzie, I hasten to add) and I'm tired!

I pinched this one from Pru Jones's blog ... it's actually very similar to the one I did last week, but some of the new Q's are fun so I thought I'd have a go. Not having posted yesterday and being quite weary tonight I'm looking to just post something quick and easy ... or "Blog 'n Go" as I like to think of it.

Also, apologies to the lovely bloggers I follow (if I haven't commented on your blog for a few days), I'm still getting back into a routine and have just been too tired to read and comment much the last few nights. Catching up on my blog-reading list is top of my weekend agenda though, I promise.



So on with the meme:



1. What are your current obsessions?

This week it's sleep (I need more please), Chunky Peanut Butter KitKats (Mmmm), stick men pictures and ... something else, which I'm not going to tell you about :P (nosey buggers!)







2. What item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?

Hmmm ... can't decide between my goat's hair poncho and my asbestos boilersuit ...

J/k ... probably my jeans or my Adidas "Superstar" trainers (not very exciting ... sorry)



3. What's for dinner?

Spinach & Ricotta Cannelloni (it was yumtious!)



4. Last thing you bought?

Some cat food ... since she won't eat spiders I suppose I better feed the snotty little furball



5. What are you listening to?

The new Bats For Lashes album "Two Suns" (thank you Greta for alerting me to their coolness x)





6. If you were a god/goddess, who would you be?

Probably Ishtar, the Babylonian version of Aphrodite ... she was the goddess of love, war, sex and fertility which, except for war, is some pretty good stuff right there!

Wikipedia says "Ishtar was above all associated with sexuality: her cult involved sacred prostitution" ... I always wanted to be a brothel keeper! Just call me "Madam".



7. Favourite holiday spots?

The Scilly Isles and Paris for places I've been to, but I'd love to travel around Italy (especially the lakes), New Zealand (Hobbit country) and Scotland too (particularly the Loch Ness area).



8. Reading right now?

No! Can't you see I'm busy blogging ... oh! er ... "Amphibious Thing: The Adventures of a Georgian Rake" by Lucy Moore ... a biography of Lord Hervey who was George II's vice chamberlain, one of the most prominent society figures of the time ... and a bit of a "lad". Interesting stuff, I love the Georgian period of British history.




9. Four words to describe yourself:

Scatty, friendly, intelligent, feminine



10. Guilty pleasure?

"Love Shack" by the B52's :/ ... it's pure cheese, but I LOVE IT! So come on! And bring your jukebox money!



11. Who or what makes you laugh until you're weak?


This pic ...

(thanks to Greta again ... she has the coolest stuff on her blog)










and this (I've already posted this once, but I seriously love it, it makes me hysterical, no matter how many times I watch it :P) ...






and this pic (and the person who sent it to me) ...










12. Who or what makes you so angry you could scream?

Smart Cars (click on the link to see the full rant)

People who speak unnecessarily loudly, especially on trains ... the guys with laptops who constantly have a mobile phone glued to their ear and have loud, lengthy conversations about statistics and mergers, all the while looking around to see who they've impressed, not realising that we all think they're really just IT help desk dorks.

Darts ... what a crap game! I can't believe they televise it ... who wants to watch sweaty guys with huge beer bellies in dodgy, short-sleeved shirts, necking down pints and chucking stuff? ... except for other sweaty guys with huge beer bellies in dodgy short-sleeved shirts ...




13. Planning to travel to next?

:( Nowhere! I haven't made any plans as I was focusing on getting a job. Any invitations?



14. Best thing you ate or drank recently?

Circus Peanuts ... j/k ... we don't have those here, I just wanted to freak out Mr Condescending



15. When did you last get tipsy?

Hehe ... last weekend



16. Favourite ever film?

Pearl Harbour

(I love sarcasm)





17. Care to share some wisdom?

Don't pick up what you can't put down ;)




18. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

My height :( I'm 5'6.5" which is slightly above average height for a girl. It's not so bad if I wear flat shoes, but if I'm going out and want to wear a decent pair of killer hot heels then I'm bordering on 5'9" :/ I look like the effin Jolly Green Giant!




19. What are your blog turn-ons and turn-offs?

Turn-on's ... humour is the big one, I'm a total sucker for people who can make me laugh. Also creativity and a touch of weirdness *looks at Joyless Prole*

Turn-off's ... Hmmm ... I guess people who don't have anything original to say, who lack humour and have a serious case of bottom-dwelling.




20. Apparently I'm supposed to add/change a question, but I can't think of anything amusing ... so let's try a bit of audience participation, you ask me a question via comments ... come on, what would you like to know?



So that's it for now, hopefully I'll be back to full-on blogging form after I've had some sleep. I'm not tagging anyone, you know the drill, if you fancy a go at this, then have at it.

Bon nuit x

And here is the news ...

*Shuffles papers on desk in an important manner*

Good Evening, I'm Holden McGroin and here are tonight's headlines ...


Girl Interrupted Employed Again

After 3 weeks of pan handling and busking to make ends meet the Blogger known as Girl Interrupted has found employment. Not, as some have speculated, in an abattoir or a pysch ward but as an administrator for a company that assists people with a hearing disability.

When interviewed, Miss Interrupted said "I'm thrilled! It was getting to the stage where I was going to have to seriously consider MacDonald's as a career option ... well, that or grave robbing, but I hate getting my hands dirty ... so that ruled out MacDonald's"

We sent our roving reporter to speak to Miss Interrupted's good blog-chum, Mr London Street:

Roving Reporter: Mr London Street, what do you think about Miss Interrupted's new job? Do you think she's fit to deal with people with hearing disabilities, or is the company just asking for trouble?

Mr London Street: Pardon?


And in other news ...

Surgical Masks Are The New Fashion Accessory

In the wake of the deadly Swine Flu epidemic surgical masks are now the "must have" haute couture item of the season, with all the top designers demanding thousands for their pieces. We take a look now at some of the best:


A bold and vibrant look from Lacroix












A cheeky little number from Vivienne Westwood









And something fun yet practical from George @ Asda










Some celebrity's even predicted the epidemic years in advance and created their own look











Miss Wrinkles 2009 Crowned

Doris Norris of Shepherd's Bush has won the coveted award following a dramatic competition.

Beating four other aged lovelies ... there had been six originally but sadly two died during the competition ... Doris lists knitting, spying on the neighbours, overcooking cabbage and incontinence amongst her many fine qualities.

When asked for his thoughts on this year's winner, Bob Mould the compere said "I thought the best pensioner won ... although the crowning ceremony was a little embarrassing, what with Doris' bowel problem ... luckily the winner's throne doubled as a commode and with just a little careful positioning of the other contestants, I think we got away with it"





Opera Singing Rabbit Wins "Has Britain Got Talent?"

Conclusive proof there viewers, that in fact, they don't









Chuck Norris Finds God and Re-Launches His Career

That's right, you heard it here first, folks!

Nunchucks are available from Toys R Us and all good psychopathic blackmarket traders from June 1st










Madonna Spotted Flying To South America
Last seen at JFK Airport clutching a fistful of dollars Madonna told reporters "Get the f*ck outta my way, I have accessories to buy!"







As News Breaks That A New Deadly Hamster Flu Is Set To Grip The World, Guilty Instigator Explains How It Started









From me, Holden McGroin ... that's all for tonight, thank you for tuning in! Goodnight!

Awesome With 3 M's ...

The lovely Harmony over at Life in the L O has kindly declared me a "Queen of all things Awesummm" ... that's right, THREE (count 'em) M's.

She's pretty awesummm herself ... and she has the award to prove it. I strongly suggest you pop across to her blog and check her out, she's a sweetie and a very amusing sweetie to boot.

Now the award comes with a tag, you're supposed to list seven things that make you awesummm and then pass the award on to seven other people who you think are simply marvellous (awesummm).

Since I'm a total blog-ho (and have little or no idea what else to post about today) I'm going to play along. However, I am going to make the tag element optional, I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, so I'll name seven of my favourite bloggers and then it's up to them whether they follow suit. I'm happy just to shout my adoration for them from the cyber-rooftops.

But first, the seven things that I think make me Awesummm:

1) I once spelt "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" with my Alphabetti Spaghetti

2) I once showed the drummer from Iron Maiden where the loo roll was in Tescos (Yeaah! Rock 'n Roll, Baby!)

3) I have a wicked tennis serve that would make Roger Federer break down and cry like a little girl (and I don't even grunt in an unladylike manner when I do it)

4) I am the Phantom Jelly Biter (that bit's top secret btw) and I have inspired at least 3 people to join my glorious crusade across the globe with my tale of daredevil jelly-biting

5) I once had a goldfish called Sir Tarquin Farqhuar Smythe III (RIP Sir Tarquin ... forgive my godless mother for flushing you so ignobly down the toilet whilst I was at school)

6) I once puked on Santa in Debenhams (could be why I'm still waiting for that pony)

7) I have the most awesummm blog followers, whose excellent comments make me look good by default


Now comes the tricky part ... who shall I name as my "Magnificent Seven"? And it is tricky, because there are so many great blogs that I follow that narrowing it down to just seven is bloody hard work!

There's also the question of whether I award it to my gentlemen readers ... bearing in mind I will be officially calling them a "Queen" ... hmmm! My gentlemen readers all seem to be a rather big, hairy, manly bunch (except that one guy ... yeah, you know who I mean :/ ) and I'm not sure they'd appreciate the gesture ... although, having seen the estimable Mr Stoneskin's comment on Harmony's post I am sorely tempted to award it to him ... again, just to be naughty :P

But no, I'll be good, I'm rather fond of my gentlemen readers and I wouldn't want to risk alienating them and losing their readership, so I'll stick with my girls (whose blogs are much better any way).

So: (in no particular order)

Lopez

Greta

Sass

Pru Jones

Peggy

Diane

Dominica

Untitled

Nanc Twop

Vic

Cora

Phat Mama

(Oops ... did I miscount? Silly me! I told you it was bloody hard work! Oh well ... thems the breaks)

Consider yourselves awesummm


Ps: In other news ... I started a job today :) Hoorah!

In The Blogger's Chair: Mr London Street (Part 1)

This is your lucky day, my friends!

Today's post, rather like an M Night Shyamalan film, has a cunning twist ... (but no precocious kids who see dead people ... sorry)

The rather excellent Mr London Street and I have decided to do a blog exchange; we've probed and interviewed the bejeesus out of each other, amusing e-mails have been zipping back and forth and now YOU can view the first part of the glorious results of my interview with Reading's finest right here! (Part 2 to follow soon)

I don't think it's any great secret that I'm a huge fan of his blog, I've openly declared my adoration of him, and then told him I hate him (for making the blogging process look so ridiculously easy, when we all know it's not) because I'm a girl and I'm fickle like that.

In my opinion he is everything a blogger should be. Each post is a beautifully crafted masterpiece, and his humour and the way he expresses himself just makes it even more of a joy to read.

If you want to see which probing questions he asked me, then head over to his awesome blog and check out the post there ... and while you're there, check out some of his previous posts, I particularly recommend "The Spacker in the Lift" and "Mr David & the Minge Flavoured Crisps" ... those were the two that got me well and truly hooked on his blog.

Now brace yourselves ... because this, ladies and gentlemen, is Mr London Street:

Thanks to your incredibly witty (and lengthy) blog posts you are now the hero of dozens, who are your heroes or biggest influences and why?

First of all thanks for the glowing write-up! You’re far too kind. I think my literally dozens of readers would probably stop very far short of the word “hero”. And my blog posts are mere haiku compared to some of your epic essays.

This is a tricky question. I’ve always found the concept of heroes a bit of an odd one. I can see that for conventional kids who liked sports and had friends they definitely filled a role in childhood. Wanting to score the winning goal at Wembley or beat the shit out of Apollo Creed were probably goals for many of my friends. But not for me, and as a geek I didn’t really find any alternative role models. This is no bad thing, now I come to think of it. The fact that I didn’t find myself thinking “good grief, I wish I could play chess like him” or putting posters of Bobby Fischer on my wall is probably the only thing that saved me from being the saddest child alive.

Similarly, influences are a tricky one to capture. I’ve always thought this is something for other people to say rather than for you to say about yourself. It’s a road fraught with potential embarrassment, much like when your friend is in a band and says Yeah, our sound is a bit like a cross between X, Y and Z and you think No it’s not, they’re really good and you sound like a bunch of epileptics breakdancing on a drum kit while someone has an asthma attack into the microphone.

I suppose if I had to pick one person out, it would have to be Woody Allen. I loathed Woody Allen’s films as a teenager. He was completely self obsessed and neurotic, played himself all the time and was always appearing alongside improbably beautiful women as his love interest. Of course, now I look at the list I’ve just outlined and think What’s not to like? He really is good at everything – his comic prose is the sort of thing that makes you wonder if it’s even worth trying. Some of his films are masterpieces. But then, I even like the bad ones. I even like the really bad ones that are Woody Allen by numbers where he’s lazily recycling jokes from decades ago. I even don’t mind the ones with Mia Farrow in them. His stand up, rather unexpectedly, is hilarious. And then there are the one liners. If I ever come up with a single one liner in the whole of my blog that’s half as good as some of Woody Allen’s one liners that would be achievement enough.

It would be wrong to move on without giving some evidence. So first off, here’s my favourite piece of Woody Allen stand-up, “The Moose”:

Woody Allen – The Moose

Secondly, here’s one of my favourite scenes from my favourite Woody Allen film Annie Hall. This has happened to me so many times:

You really are quite good at this writing malarkey ... ever thought about writing a book? If you did, which genre etc would it be?

Again, you’re really too kind. The answer is yes – I’ve regularly thought about doing this and never gone any further than that. Kelly has often said that if I want to give up work to write my novel we could live off baked beans and find a way of surviving until I make tons of cash from my bestselling endeavours. Although to be fair that was a couple of years ago and sounds like the sort of thing you say when you know it’s not really going to happen.

The difficulty I’ve always had is that I’ve never been sure what I’d write a book about. I even bought a book about a year ago in Brighton which I thought would help me out in that regard. It was called “No Plot – No Problem”. I actually bought it thinking it was a guide to how to succeed in senior management so I was very pleasantly surprised when I discovered it was in fact a guide to how to write a novel in 100 days. But I haven’t started it yet – the book or the novel.

In terms of what sort of novel I’d write, I think the sorts of novels I feel like writing always end up getting written by some other sneaky bastard when my back is turned. When I was in my 20s I wanted to write something about drifting from shitty temp job to shitty temp job and having no real sense of direction. But so did everybody else, and all those Generation X type books kind of stole my thunder (or, closer to the truth, borrowed my mild drizzle with no intention of returning it). Plus the Americans do this sort of thing so much better than we do. Can you imagine if On The Road had been set in the UK? Nobody’s ever going to believe that kind of existential shit happened near Peterborough, are they.

Now I feel like there’s a novel in me about life in a big faceless company in an office somewhere going nowhere. The only problem being that people have again got there first. Joshua Ferris has written Then We Came To The End and Ed Park has written Personal Days and they’re both very good books in that field.

So I don’t know is the short answer. I need a new original idea or a time machine, preferably both.

Walkers have been running a competition "Do us a flavour" to select new flavour crisps, the public have narrowed it down to Fish & Chips, Onion Bhaji, Chocolate & Chilli, Crispy Duck & Hoi Sin and Builders Breakfast (not a minge in sight, thankfully) ... what are your thoughts? Any of those appeal to you? Any flavours you'd add?

I have watched this competition with a mixture of excitement and regret. Now don’t get me wrong, I love crisps. You name them, I love them. From Frazzles (like bacon without all the hassle of cooking) to salt and vinegar Discos in those giant packs they only sell at train stations that take the roof of your mouth off like junk food napalm, to roast beef flavoured Monster Munch, I adore them all. So this competition has captured my imagination. But sadly, I can no longer eat crisps because of my high blood cholesterol. Like pies, sausages, cheese and many other things best summed up in the single word “fun”. So my interest in this competition is academic rather than practical. Theoretical rather than real. Which is kind of heartbreaking (ironic, since my heart is the thing this shitty diet is meant to be protecting).

Having said that, I was a bit disappointed by the shortlist. I am old enough to remember a snack called “Fish and Chips” which was little fish and chip shaped biscuits liberally sprayed with salt and vinegar powder. They were nice back then, but that was the 80s and we were all more easily pleased in those days. Timmy Mallett was considered an acceptable way to entertain children. So, for that matter, was Gary Glitter. A lot has changed. You don’t see “Fish and Chips” any more like you don’t see white dog turds and that’s how it should stay. A lot of the others seem to be missing critical ingredients. Onion bhaji without the mango chutney? Builder’s breakfast without the black pudding? Sacrilege! And chocolate flavour crisps are the Monster Raving Loony Party candidate of this particular election. So for me the winner would have to be crispy duck and hoi sin. For a start, I have long suspected that Chinese restaurants sprinkle crispy duck with crack.

In terms of flavours I’d add, that’s an easy one. I have a general rule which works for me, namely that the cuter an animal is the better it tastes. That’s why venison is so much nicer than pork. That’s why rabbit is so very delicious. My dad used to live near Watership Down and I’m pretty sure a nearby butcher had a sign saying “Watership Down – you’ve read the book, you’ve seen the film – NOW EAT THE PIE”.

But there’s only one way to prove my theory and that’s to take it to its logical conclusion.

We need to see Walkers put out new “Chargrilled Meerkat” flavoured crisps and then everyone will know I’m right. The country demands nothing less.

Please look at the Rorschach inkblot attached ... what do you see? (rest assured, we have fully qualified psychiatrists waiting with a rather fetching white coat and a gurney, ready to take you to a padded cell if necessary)

It looks like my dad sexually assaulting my mum with a half-charged Remington Fuzz-Away. Just like when I was 12. I’m sure I’ve seen this one before. How did you know? Did the voices tell you to ask me this question?

MAKE IT STOP.

You are clearly a modern day Metrosexual, fully in touch with his feminine side. So which of the Sex & the City women do you most identify with and why? Slutty, powerhouse Samantha; uptight, workaholic Miranda; fluffy, idealistic Charlotte or scatty, romantic Carrie.

I love Sex and the City but really this question is like a form of astrology isn’t it? I mean, we can rule Charlotte out from the off because she’s pretty vile. But the other three all have qualities I can associate with. Samantha’s slutty side, for example. Or the genuine and endearing difficulty Miranda always seems to have with being happy and trendy. Or Carrie’s deep and abiding love for accessories, great bars and excellent restaurants. Hmm. I mentioned Carrie in my first ever blog post so I think I would have to go for her. Even if she does look like she should be being ridden by children on Blackpool beach. Maybe that’s a plotline they’ll explore if they do a sequel to the movie.

For a long time I thought the best form of astrology was to decipher somebody’s personality from the track that was number one in the singles chart on their date of birth. The only reason I thought this was that my brother had an unsuccessful relationship with a very nice lady called Rachel. The day she was born Hey Jude by the Beatles was Number 1. The day he was born Number 1 was Ernie The Fastest Milkman In The West by Benny Hill. Clearly it could never have worked out.

My next approach was to work out people’s personalities from their favourite Beatles song. I had this discussion at work one day many years ago. I explained that my favourite Beatles song was Hey, You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away which made sense because at the time I was seeing someone who kind of had a boyfriend.

“That’s funny,” said my colleague Kevin, “My favourite Beatles song is Help! which fits because I’m really stressed right now.”

“Me too.” said Louise, “I like Day Tripper and I love going away at the weekend and discovering new places.”

“What about you Dave?” I asked.

“I don’t really like the Beatles.” he replied.

Typical Scorpio.

Thank you, Mr London Street!

So there you have it ... that's why he's a blog legend.

Be sure to come back for the second half ... he's bound to have kept the really good stuff for last.

A Smattering of Scattered Sunday Sundries ...

Well it's Sunday, which is well known for being the "lazy day" of the week, which means I get to lounge around all morning (and maybe into lunchtime too if I'm lucky) in my underwear, consuming tea and toast in bed whilst reading the Sunday Times or a good book. Mmmm! Bliss! And because it's Sunday and therefore it's practically the law to NOT do anything ... I don't have to worry about feeling guilty about it! YaY!

I had a lovely evening round at a friend's house last night, nothing much occured that was blog-worthy, we just had a takeaway and watched the "Dark Knight" on DVD, with many a vodka & lime being knocked back ... which means I'm feeling a teensy bit frayed around the edges this morning and far too muddled to write anything complicated. So my dissertation on "The Evolution & Migratory Habits of the Lesser-Spotted, Bearded Pea-Coot of Papua New Guinea" will have to wait for another day ... try to contain your disappointment.

Instead I'll write something a bit random and fluffy, in keeping with my current state of mind. (If this post were a colour, it would be candy floss pink.)

I was tagged by the lovely PrincessImp over at PrincessImp's Pedestal ... and frankly, it couldn't have come at a better time. Yet again you have been saved from the post on the "Top 10 Fun Things to do with String" ... you should head on over and thank PrincessImp ... NOT NOW! Once you're done reading this post! Sheesh!

Are you sitting comfortably? Good! Then I shall begin ...

What is your current obsession?
Writing is always my first obsession, but I'm having a real thing for jelly beans at the moment too!

What is your weirdest obsession?
Probably serial killers (don't be scared)

What are you wearing today?
Maybe I should put some clothes on before I answer this Q ...

What's for dinner today?
Well I had Chinese takeaway last night and I've been summonsed to the Swiss Family Manson's for a family meal tomorrow, which means a gargantuan roast dinner ... so just probably something light, soup or good old toast

Why is today special?
Carol Ann Duffy has been named as the UK Poet Laureate and made history for being the first woman to be awarded the title, the first Scot and the first openly gay Poet Laureate. I think that's kinda cool, plus I really like her style of poetry:


Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.



What would you like to learn to do?
Brain surgery would be awesome! Also snowboarding, which is something I've wanted to have a go at for years.

What languages can you speak?
Some English and the very barest, basics of French

What are you listening to right now?
Debussy's "Clair de Lune" ... it was either that or listen to the Duracell boinkers upstairs. Plus, I prefer to listen to classical musical when I'm writing, I can't concentrate if there are lyrics distracting me.

What is your favourite weather?
I like autumnal weather, not freezing cold, but enough to make you wrap up when you go out and then scurry home, where everything seems extra cosy as you listen to the wind blowing in the trees outside.

What is your most challenging goal right now?
Getting a job (anybody need an administrator/secretary?)

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
I think she's great, she seems to have a real sense of fun, is warm, intelligent and very stylish.

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished, anywhere in the world, where would you like it be?
The Scilly Isles (once described as 2000 alcoholics clinging to a rock)

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
*giggles* :P

What would you like to get rid of?
The spider in my living room :(

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Hmm ... an hour isn't very long, so I wouldn't bother going to Liverpool ... I'd probably go to Lake Como in Italy for a walk in the sun

Which language do you want to learn?
I'd love to learn French properly, but it's a tie with Italian, both are so sexy. Someone could be reading the phone book in either of those languages and it would sound totally hot!

What do you look for in a friend?
A love of buying expensive gifts for their friends for no reason whatsoever ... oh, and honesty, humour and loyalty

Who do you want to meet in person?
All of my blog-chums who follow and comment regularly ... I'm fascinated by them and their lovely, hilarious comments.

What's your favourite type of music?
Indie, probably. Although I do love to dance to RnB.

What's the favourite piece of clothing in your own closet?
There's no way I could narrow it down to one piece!!! I love my combats (they're super-comfy and give my bottom an almost magical pertness) and my Hello Kitty PJ's but I also have several pairs of shoes that I hardly ever wear but couldn't live without and also an Anthropologie dress that a friend brought back for me from a trip to the US last year (I effin LOVE my friends ... sometimes)

What is your dream job?
Author and illustrator of children's books


Any favourite models?
The Airfix "Waterloo Battle" gift set is a winner ... oh, I see ... er, Freddie Ljungberg and Kate Moss


If you had £100 now, what would you spend it on?
Probably save it and start a "Crackberry" fund (I desperately want one)

Favourite designer?
I change my opinion on this regularly, but at the moment I quite like Marc Jacobs and Anna Sui

Fashion pet peeve?
Skinny leg jeans ... BLEH!!!! Especially on men!

Do you admire anyone's style?
I think Kate Winslet always looks very elegant, she knows exactly which colours and styles suit her.

Describe your personal style:
I don't think I have any one style, I love variety in everything, including what I wear.

So there you have it, 27 things you didn't give a monkey's about know about me.

I'm not going to tag anyone, although I'd love to see your answers if you fancy having a go at it ... yes, I'm THAT nosey.

Now go comment ... but please don't shout, I'm still feeling a bit delicate.

Happy Lazy Day!