It was Miss Interrupted, in the stationery cupboard, with the stapler

I rather stupidly irresponsibly bravely quit my job today.

There comes a point where you suddenly realise with a terrifying clarity that life is too short to stay in a situation that makes you desperately miserable. I know that ideally I should have secured another job before I resigned and I know that unemployment is frighteningly high at the moment, but I simply felt I HAD to do something.

The relationship between my boss and I has been going rapidly downhill since I found out he'd attempted to get a colleague to keep him informed of anything I said about him or the job outside of work, but yesterday it reached an all-time low when I received a letter of complaint from the MD saying that my boss had reported I was rude and unfriendly to clients. This is completely fabricated, regardless of my attitude towards him I have always made a point of being friendly and courteous to anybody else coming in to the office. I realised at that point that my boss wants me gone ... and he's prepared to say and do anything to make it happen. And what's worse is there's nothing I can do about it. There's only the two of us in our office and it's my word against his. The MD has made it clear that my point of view is neither wanted or considered valid.

I know enough about employment law to know that I wouldn't stand a chance if I was to try to take it further. How do you prove somebody's unacceptable behaviour without witnesses?

So I discussed it with a couple of close friends and my mother and they all said I should just get out, and the sooner the better. After all, a resignation doesn't look great on a CV but it looks a hell of a lot better than a sacking. I went home, had a good cry and spent the evening thinking it through.

And this morning I tended my resignation.

Now I've done it I actually feel relieved. Obviously I'm somewhat nervous about the prospect of being unemployed, I have too many financial committments not to be, but I have a months notice to work and can start applying for other jobs in the meantime. Things will work out one way or another. I just need to stay positive.

To help me stay focused (and just to generally cheer myself up) I compiled a Top 10 list of ingenious and wickedly cunning ways to bump my boss off:

1) Strategically placed office items (a hole punch would be ideal) on the stairs ... easily removed after the event, before the Police/Ambulance arrives

2) Death by Flattery: Just keep telling him how great he is and watch the egotistical, self-satisfied butt munch's head swell and explode (messy work - some form of protective clothing may be advisable)

3) Cut his brake cable ... and then suggest lots of client home-visits (Yes, yes I AM evil)

4) Suggest dangerous "Adrenaline Sports" as cool holiday activities ... Bit of a gamble, but worth a try ... he's middle-aged and overweight, odds of something going wrong have got to be good

5) Electrocution: Just needs some careful planning with regards to having a good reason why his laptop was plugged in and sitting in a sink full of water in the first place

6) Death by Tipp-Ex: You know, like that scene in Goldfinger where the Bond girl gets totally covered in gold ...

7) File Avalanche: Might need quite a few files for this to be really effective

8) Flap-Attack: Casually mention his best client was talking about going elsewhere and watch him "flap" himself into a coronary (do NOT call for an ambulance)

9) Encourage him to do his own shredding ... ties dangle and can get caught in shredders (This may take time and require some dedication and patience)

10) Rat poison in his hot chocolate: He's a rat ... it's bound to work


I heart my inner evil genius.


I will leave you with pertinent words from the greatest thinker of our time ...

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" ~ Homer Simpson

Dare to dream.

What inventive method would you use to dispose of your boss?

Smart (my arse!)

I think I mentioned in my first post that a friend had suggested keeping a Blog after I'd ranted at length in an e-mail about so-called "Smart" cars. Well, I don't mean to be obsessive or anything but ... OMG!

I've despised these vehicles since I first set eyes on one, however many years ago it was they were spawned, but I've always tried to keep my disdain contained to a sneer and maybe a contemptuous "Pah!" since one of my many motto's is "Live and let live" (which reminds me ... would James Bond be seen dead in one of these things? Would he ####!")

No more though. My contempt has finally boiled and bubbled over into outright disgust and hatred as a result of nearly being squished not once, but THREE poxy times by a "Smart" car driver, the latest attempt on my life having occurred this morning as I was innocently walking to work - and before you ask ... no it wasn't my own fault! I was strictly observing pedestrian etiquette as always, but for some reason "Smart" car drivers see me and lose control, usually while accelerating. Giving the drivers the benefit of the doubt (even though they all look like Social Workers and are clearly mad as a box of frogs) maybe it was the gentle autumn breeze who was to blame, maybe a slight gust was just a little too much in the North, enough to pick up Noddy's car and send it hurtling my way. I don't know, what I DO know is that I REFUSE to be terminated (well OK, slightly maimed) by such an embarrassing piece of design. So no more Mrs. Nice Lady!

The makers have been trying to convince the British public for some time now that THIS is the car you want to be seen in if you want to be perceived as hip and trendy and a caring friend of the environment, (when in fact all you will look is retarded and cramped). Did the designer actually design a full car? Did the manufacturers just think "well that's a bit wank, looks like something you'd get in a cereal box!" and stop half way through making them? Just quickly stuck the rear's on with a bit of superglue?

They're lame. They irritate me. The people who buy and drive them irritate me - for some inexplicable reason they all have this smug look, like they seriously think people are going to see them in their spazzy little cars and think "Woah! That's so smart! Damn I wish I had one!!" NO! I don't want one .. I don't even want to be associated with someone who has one, I don't think you're cool for buying one I think you're an idiot ...and no, I don't care if it is the "sporty-convertible" version ... that's even lamer ... now go buy a proper car!!!

And that's all I have to say about that.

*This rant was brought to you by the letters F and U and the number 6.