Come on in & make yourself at home (try not to steal anything) ...

Hello, blog lovelies! Hope July is treating you well and that all is fine and dandy with you and yours.

My good chum Mr Condescending tagged me in his latest post, which you can view here. Apparently we're all invited to his mock-Tudor mansion for a party ... isn't that nice of him? (no puking on the oak beams, please). He's cordially said we can snoop through his book shelves (he only reads Playboy for the "articles", apparently), rifle through his dvd collection (I have no idea what "Three's Company" is, I'm a little confused about why there's SIX people on the covers, but I'm sure it will prove to be amusing ... after we've cleaned out his booze cabinet) and gorge ourselves on the finest food and drink in NYC (I'm trying not to be too upset about the shellfish stew which will KILL ME).

Anyway ... nice gesture, huh?

Well, it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that there's a big ol' stipulation attached that says anybody partaking of his magnanimous hospitality then has to throw a similarly big party (in his honour, no doubt ... doesn't he seem just the type who would demand his very own throne to sit on? While he condescendingly mocks the rest of us and takes multiple photos of our fat bums and dodgy-yet-comfy sportswear when we're not looking, just so he has post material for his blog-theatre of cruelty?).

To be honest, I was tempted to say no at first. I figured I'd just go along, drink all his booze, mock his dvd's, chuck a TV out of a window and then disappear into the night like a super-cool rock star type.

But then I thought ... "Hmm! Why not?" After all, July is the perfect month for summer parties, I've just sold a kidney on e-Bay so I'm a bit flush in the old pocket ... and it would give me something semi-fun to post about.

So ... you're all invited to my place! Woohoohooo! Partaay!


By the way, you'll recognise my house by the colourful "Happy Bar Mitzvah" balloons (aren't jumble sales fab?) and the 20 ft inflatable Santa on the roof (it seemed like a good idea ... at Christmas)


Please wipe your feet before you come in ...



Watch out for the vicious guard dog (a terrifying mix of Wookiee, Womble & Yorkshire Terrier) ...




Now, before we get this party started, Mr Condescending has demanded a guided snout round (nosey bugger), for a start he wants to know what my favourite books are. (This actually drove me mad, I'm a fanatical bibliophile and have hundreds of books all over the house, it was practically impossible to narrow it down to one shelf) Anyway, er, here's a selection ...



... I know Girl With The Pink Teacup will be thrilled and proud to see that I have the big, hardback copies of Harry Potter

... historical biographies and fantasy fiction (could I be a bigger geek? I think not)


I had a similar problem with films *gives Mr C the evil eye* (I'd give him the "Finger of Death" if I knew how to do it)

There's just too many to choose from ...


Here are a few faves (although a lot of my absolute favourite films are not included here ... frankly, I was just too lazy to sort them all out) ...


I'll just leave you to have a look through them for a couple of minutes whilst I go and tell Diane, Vic and Dominica to stop jumping on the beds ...


Ok, I'm back, now let's crack on with the party, I thought we'd have it in the garden (mind the wheelie bin) ...



By the way, whilst I agree that it's not a party until something gets broken, please could you try NOT to break the good stuff ... I have a whole cupboard full of tacky old tat given to me over the course of several birthdays/Christmas' by my ex's mother, if you'd like something destructible to chuck around.

Oh, and the plants are strictly for decoration ... please don't try to smoke them (yes, I'm looking at you John Smith and Prunella).


Now, "What's for dinner?" I hear you ask eagerly.

Well you won't be getting traditional English food, that's for sure. It's ok, but quite heavy and stodgy and not very exciting in my opinion. Plus, I think some of my US guests might find the inclusion of such things as "Toad in the Hole" and "Spotted Dick" on the menu as a bit off-putting. Quite understandable.

My tastes in food are quite Mediterranean, I like lots of different dishes for people to pick and choose from, pasta in lovely light sauces, creamy risottos, plenty of fresh vegetables and salads with spicy dressings, a banquet of cheeses, warm bread, plump little olives and of course, plenty of wine.

If you like that kind of thing then I heartily recommend this book to you ...


It's a true account of an American lady's experience of buying and renovating an old farm house in Cortona, Italy. Whilst I didn't particularly enjoy the main narrative I did love the simple and delicious recipes she includes as part of the book, traditional dishes that she learned from the local people such as Pea and Shallot Bruschetta, Semolina Gnocchi, Rich Polenta Parmigiana, Sage Pesto, Hazlenut Gelato and Cherries Steeped in Red Wine. Mmmmmm!


Hang on a second though! Why don't you have a drink yet?

There's red or white wine for the more discerning palates, and vodka, which I'll use to make Sea Breeze cocktails later (one part vodka, one part pink grapefruit juice, three parts cranberry juice, served over ice in a tall glass with a slice of lime)


Hey! I can see those nervous glances! Don't worry ... there IS more alcohol than this! (Sheesh! Big bunch of lushes!) Oi! Mo Stoneskin! (or should we call you Mr Albali now?) I've told you before about guzzling the cooking sherry!

Er ... can somebody please take those balloons away from Dr Zibbs? ... you might want to wait until he's got his clothes on again first :/ (BTW - does anybody know why he came dressed like Corey Feldman and keeps saying "Hee Hee, Jamon!" in a high pitched voice?)


Anyway, inspiration for tonight's menu has come courtesy of these two books ...



By way of a starter there will be English Onion Soup with Sage & Cheddar ...


Or, Sweet Pear & Apple Salad with Bitter Chicory and a Creamy Blue Cheese Dressing ...



Or, Tortelloni di Spinaci with Sugo al Burro e Pomodoro (Spinach in ickle pasta parcels with a butter and tomato sauce, lightly sprinkled with parmesan) ...


For main course there will be a Italian Ham & Spinach Tart ...


and Baked Cauliflower & Broccoli Cannelloni ...


or Hot Smoked Salmon with Chilli Salsa ...



For dessert there'll be Tray Baked Meringue with Pears, Cream, Toasted Hazelnuts & Chocolate Sauce (well you knew there had to be chocolate in there somewhere)



or Eton Mess (meringue, cream and strawberries ... just so you can say you had something traditionally English as well as uber-yummy) a real summer classic


Apologies for the quality of the pictures, I know they're a bit pants, I considered actually making all the dishes and getting better shots, but I couldn't be arsed to go to the supermarket to get the ingredients. Or to do the cooking bit.

Oh! And there might also be Red Velvet Cake muffins if I get my care package from gorgeous Gwen in time ... in which case there will be a cheesey sob-fest tribute at some point in the evening, where we will stuff our happy little faces with cake whilst watching Steel Magnolias and speaking in the manner of one of its many, glorious characters ... but you can't be Clairee (already bagged by me) or Ouiser (to be played to perfection by Gwen).

For entertainment I've arranged the following:

• The Jules (Happy Belated Birthday to him btw) will present us with a slideshow of all the fascinating places he's travelled to and mocked, snappily titled "Around Selected Parts of the World in Considerably More Than 80 Days".
• Wordsx3 is going to give a fascinating insight into the mind of a frustrated and much copied (allegedly *cough*) creative genius, entitled "Dude! Where's My Kudos?"
  
• Trinity is giving a monologue on his personal interpretation of art, entitled "Every Picture Should Have An Amusing Moustache In It"
  
• And finally there will be a breathtaking fireworks display (well, sparklers) at the end of the night (*Note to self: Make sure Kristine does indeed wait in the van and is NEVER left alone with the cat and the fireworks at any point in the evening).

Anyway, top up your drink, grab a plate of food and go mingle with the other guests. Go! Shoo! No peeing in the pot plants though, no staring at Cora (who is on MY team if we play Pictionary) and her fella, Scope if they start making out in the corner ... actually, no molesting folks in any way ... unless you're specifically asked to ... in which case, get a room! But not MY room. And stay out of my underwear drawers.

If there's any bad behaviour then Lopez is going to make you drop and give her twenty ... you have been warned!

Now then, who's up for a game of naked Twister?

A little sexism, anyone? ...

Ok ... so before I get started on today's post, here are the results of the little quiz type thing I had in my last post with regards to who writes better sex scenes in novels, men or women.


Extract A was from "The First Casualty" by Ben Elton

"Ooh-la-la!' she breathed as he smelled the clean aroma of her short bobbed hair and the rain-sodden grass around it.

'Oooh-la jolly well-la!' And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. 'Gosh', 'Golly' and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even 'Tally ho!'

When it was over she pushed him off, stood up and lit a cigarette. It was still too dark to see anything but the glow of the burning tip, and by the way that was moving about Kingsley sensed that she was buttoning herself up.

'Jolly nice,' she said, 'most invigorating.'

He started off fairly promisingly as a comedy writer in the 80's for programmes such as The Young Ones and Blackadder and was a successful "alternative" stand-up with a fondness for Thatcher jokes. But his brand of humour left with the 80's and Mrs Thatcher and he now alternates between writing laughable novels and dodgy West End musicals.

Journalist, Toby Young summed him up with the following quote: "Ben Elton. Do you know this guy? He started out as an "alternative" comedian, railing against Thatcherism and the like, and now earns a fortune writing the librettos for truly awful West End musicals. I mean, his name has become a byword for shameless hackery. He's the biggest sell-out of his generation"



Extract J was from "Mr MacGregor" by Alan Titchmarsh

She planted moist, hot kisses all over his body. Beads of sweat began to appear on Guy's forehead as he became more entangled in the lissome limbs of this human boa constrictor. For fully 15 minutes their mutual passion heightened, with groans, sighs and liquid noises.

Grannies favourite, Mr Titchmarsh is best known for being a TV gardener, which somewhat shows in his writing and goes towards explaining "planted moist", "entangled in the lissome limbs" and "liquid noises" ... you can almost smell and hear the wellies and mud.

Wikipedia tells me that the man who puts the "Tit" in Titchmarsh actually won an award for worst sex scene in a book with the above excerpt.

I don't think anybody's going to be wildly surprised by that.




Extract H was from "The Stone Gods" by Jeanette Winterson

We made love by our fire, watching the snow shape the entrance to the cave. When I touch her, my fingers don't question what she is. My body knows who she is. The strange thing about strangers is that they are unknown and known.

There is a pattern to her, a shape I understand, a private geometry that numbers mine. She is a maze where I got lost years ago, and now find the way out. She is the missing map. She is the place that I am. She is a stranger. She is the strange that I am beginning to love.

Oh dear, Ms Winterson, probably best known for her novel "Oranges are not the only fruit" lets the ladies side down with this dreary, lacklustre and passionless excerpt. But at least there are no dubious liquid noises or jolly Tally Ho'ing going on, which is always a literary bonus in my opinion.


Two people got it spot on, Fancy Schmancy and PrincessImp ... so very well done to them! I'm not sure it answers the big question of whether men write better sex scenes than woman, but it does suggest that women are better at spotting a man's cackhanded attempt at describing carnal passion.


Still vaguely on the subject of the battle of the sexes, I was trawling the good old internet for some post inspiration when I came across the following vintage advertisements. Now I wouldn't call myself a feminist, I'm all for equality but there's zero danger of me burning my bra any time soon (being nearly 30 and gravity make that a BIG no, no) ... but these ads were frankly a bit shocking! And it has to be admitted, rather amusing. So of course I thought of my beloved readers straight away, "This will be right up their twisted little alleys" I chuckled fondly to myself ... so here we are. (Unfortunately I've had to squidge the pics right down in size to fit them on the page ... click on them to see the captions)



So first up, no messing around or worrying about anything as silly as delicate, female sensibilities ... Men are better than women!

Yes, apparently not only did our male ancestors like to spend their spare time casually chatting at the top of a mountain, they liked to do it whilst dressed in traditional Tyrolean garb and nonchalantly dangling some poor female from a hanging thread of their rapidly unravelling Drummond climbing sweater.

Women, the ad informs us, are all very well INDOORS, pleasant even! But a bit of a drag on a mountain.











This classic little gem tells us that failed marriages were not, as we once suspected, due to a husband's ambitious preoccupation with his career, his golf clubs or his nubile young secretary, but rather because wives were not paying due care and attention to their "dainty feminine allure".

Never fear though ... help was at hand, thanks to those ever-fragrant, marriage savers at Lysol. Their douches insured feminine daintiness "even in the presence of mucous matter" and promised to protect marriages with "no greasy after effect"

*Editor's note: You will lose kudos points if you use the phrase "something fishy" in your comments










Ladies in the 60's liked their men to blow in their faces ... I guess some things never go out of fashion ..


















This one actually made me gasp out loud (GOL?) ... if you can't see the original text, it says:

"Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn't have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you'd like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr Leggs slacks"


















I'm just surprised the number of mariticide's wasn't sky high in those days ...


















Actually, I don't entirely disapprove of this one :P ...















Boy, oh boy, oh boy ...



















Haha ... look at her grinning through gritted teeth, she's just dying to smush his face in that blender ...















I wonder what those women think when they look back at these ads? ... If they're not all dead from lung cancer after having all those men blowing in their faces, of course ...












Sheesh ... talk about a wish list! Although I must admit to crying every time I try to use my mum's electric can opener and have to stand there in helpless frustration as the tin whirls round and round with no apparent sign of ever opening.




















I've never understood the really militant feminists types, but I'm guessing it was this kind of thing that got them all boiling mad. Maybe they'd had enough of being dangled precariously off of mountains and trying to maintain that crucial feminine daintiness, they didn't want to be walked over by men in crisp, natty Mr Legg slacks or made to wear ridiculous chef's hats whilst lovingly blending their husband's dinners. Maybe they had a point. Attitudes needed to change and I'm glad they have.

But I'm still not going to burn my bra.

Thoughts on Thursday ...

So here we are again ...I thought it was about time I stopped slacking and updated you on all the lovely, exciting, wonderful things that are happening in my life right now ... or I would if that were actually the case, but sadly it isn't, life continues to be a heady mix of work, friends, sunbathing and battling insomnia, which really doesn't make for interesting reading ... so, I'll just do what I normally do, chuck a load of random nonsense at you and hope you don't notice. Or at least, hope that you're too polite to mention it.


First, I'd like to say a big sooper-dooper-looper of a thank you to the lovely Vic of What Were You
Thinking? for the mighty "Vic Award" that she kindly gave me a couple of days ago. You know you've arrived, in blog terms, when someone of Vic's calibre says they like your stuff, even if that person wants to bite your face six times ... yes, that is a bizarre thing to say, isn't it? If you want to know what the feck I'm on about you'll have to go and read her post ... actually, you should do that anyway. Consider that an order ... although I'm English, so consider it more of a hesitant and polite request, said whilst blushing and self-consciously scuffing the toe of my shoe.

Apparently I need to pass this on to three bloggers who I admire ... which is really, really hard! I follow so many blogs now and they're all so cool, plus I can't remember who I have and haven't given awards to :/ ... I'd like to give it to all the blogs I read, but then I guess it wouldn't mean as much. So ... I'm awarding it to:

Kristine at Wait In The Van because her posts make me chuckle on a regular basis

Prometheus at A Misspent Life because he always comes up with interesting and humorous things to ponder on

Mr Condescending at Advice and Humor from Mr Condescending because despite being a bit shocking and ... well, condescending, he always does a good job of his posts and manages to make me laugh and wince at the same time.


Remember I had that whole Twitter dilemma a little while ago? Well I finally gave in and am now "tweeting" in as lackadaisical manner as I am blogging ... hey! at least I'm consistent! I'm still not sure if it's my cup of tea, but maybe it will grow on me. I guess I'll stick with it a little while longer and find out.


It's been really quiet at work this last week so I don't have any guffaw-inducing stories about dodgy old folk to tell you. The scary Brazilian lady didn't return, sadly and since my contract with the company finishes tomorrow my chances of seeing her again are slim. The agency have put me forward for an accounts manager post which I'm waiting to hear more about, so I'm not too concerned about leaving. I'll keep you posted.

There was one mildly amusing episode which I can share with you. It was a particularly slow afternoon and I was sitting at my desk pondering the big questions life is constantly raising (i.e. should I buy those adorable wedge sandals in the red or the black? Is that a grey hair??? And if it is ... should I pluck it out with tweezers? Should I dye my hair an unlikely shade of raven? Or should I just get drunk and cry about nearly being 30? And if Britain's Got Talent ... what the hell does Azerbaijan have?) when the door rattled open and in walked a middle aged gentleman. He was quite posh and was sporting a lovely pink, cashmere sweater that made him look a bit like a golfer and flashed me a big, shiny smile that made me think of Dentagrip adverts.

Him: Hello!

Me: (trying not to grin) Hello!

Him: You've had a bit of a change around in here!!

Me: (slightly puzzled look) Er ... no, I don't think so

Him: Yes you have!

Me: No, as far as I know it's always been like this.

Him: (rather indignantly) You have, I tell you!

Me: (blank look)

Him: You're the estate agents, aren't you!

Me: (looks at him)

Him: (looks at me)

Me: (looks at big plastic ears in the front window)

Him: (looks at big plastic ears in the front window)

Me: (looks at him, raises eyebrows and smiles)

At which point he hurriedly left without saying another word.



Ok, confession time ... I've been reading the Daily Mail.

*hangs head in shame*

I know. You don't have to say it.

The thing is the guy I work with buys it every day ... and work is just THAT boring a lot of the time.

Anyway, I've noticed that they seem to have a thing about the battle of the sexes. They constantly pit men against women in all kinds of ways, today it was "Who Writes Better Sex Scenes?" Apparently somebody's written a book and claimed that "female authors seldom write well about sex" and so the Daily Male (sic) gave a selection of "sexy" snippets penned by famous authors and asked you to judge whether they'd been written by a man or a woman.

God it was awful!

Things like this made me cringe:

Extract A

'Ooh-la-la!' she breathed as he smelled the clean aroma of her short bobbed hair and the rain-sodden grass around it.

'Oooh-la jolly well-la!' And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. 'Gosh', 'Golly' and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even 'Tally ho!'

When it was over she pushed him off, stood up and lit a cigarette. It was still too dark to see anything but the glow of the burning tip, and by the way that was moving about Kingsley sensed that she was buttoning herself up.

'Jolly nice,' she said, 'most invigorating.'

*shudder*

No wonder people think us English folk are sad and loopy (and have bad teeth)! Frankly, it's a wonder anybody outside the UK mates with us.

So what do you reckon? Who wrote that embarrassing piece of literary cack? A man or a woman?


And how about this?:

Extract J

She planted moist, hot kisses all over his body. Beads of sweat began to appear on Guy's forehead as he became more entangled in the lissome limbs of this human boa constrictor. For fully 15 minutes their mutual passion heightened, with groans, sighs and liquid noises.

Seriously ... liquid noises?????


And finally this one?:

Extract H

We made love by our fire, watching the snow shape the entrance to the cave. When I touch her, my fingers don't question what she is. My body knows who she is. The strange thing about strangers is that they are unknown and known.

There is a pattern to her, a shape I understand, a private geometry that numbers mine. She is a maze where I got lost years ago, and now find the way out. She is the missing map. She is the place that I am. She is a stranger. She is the strange that I am beginning to love.

ZzzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzz


So were the authors male or female? Let's see what people really think.



Well that's all for now, I'm off to bed for some much needed tossing and turning and sighing and sulking (multitasker MUCH), but I'll leave you with some amusing pictures that will hopefully make you chuckle.

Til next time xx





So, US blog-chums ... is THIS why you voted for him?













Is THIS what got him the women's vote?

(available in Democratic Blue or Presidential Gold)

Poor Spiderman! Now he's wishing he hadn't agreed to wear the Spidey suit his Grandma so lovingly knitted for him.

What were the advertisers thinking???

"Because nothing says "Quality sportswear" like a blow job"


(Yes that is what you think it is on her leg, I'm just as shocked as you are ... fishnet popsocks just shouldn't be worn ... ever!)

Er ...









Ps: My blog chum Diane from Cooking Blind sent out an email today saying she was having some trouble with her internet provider, so if you didn't get the email and are wondering where the heck she is, be reassured that she is hoping to be back amongst us in about 5 days time. Let's hope so, because it's not the same without Diane.

And while we're on the subject of people MIA ... does anyone know where Peggy of Stir Crazy in the Suburbs is??? I haven't seen her post in ages, which is a real shame because I love her blog, I'm missing the daily smiles she provides :( And also Greta of Noodling fame?? Apart from wanting to know she's ok, I'm in serious need of more drain pictures!