All the nice girls love a sailor? … Er, really?

Ahoy there, me hearties!

 

 

I was in the kitchen this morning getting some breakfast, when my Grandfather started singing that song (he is a one-man cabaret act whilst preparing his breakfast – post coming soon) and I found myself pondering, not only the merits of Marmite as opposed to black cherry jam … but also, DO all the nice girls love a sailor?

 

 

Not one to toot my own horn, but I like to think that I’m a reasonably nice girl, and I have to say I don’t recall ever having warm and fuzzy feelings for a salty ol’ sea dog or anyone of a similarly nautical persuasion.

 

 

Actually, the very fact that they’re referred to as “salty ol’ sea dog’s” makes it a virtual impossibility. That and being attributed with saying things like “Yo ho ho & a bottle of rum!” and “Heave ho, me hearties!” Enough with the “ho” obsession, already!

 

 

But let’s not make hasty judgements without considering some of the evidence, let’s take a look at some well known, jolly old Jack Tar’s (Jack Tar’s? See what I mean? They really don’t help themselves, do they!):

 

 

 

Sir Walter “Ooh! What a big ship I’ve got!” Raleigh   

 

“Bloody explorers, ponce off to mumbo-jumbo-land, come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and, Bob's your uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory. To you it's a potato, to me it's a potato. But to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh it's country estates, fine carriages, and as many girls as his tongue can cope with” ~ Lord Edmund Blackadder.

 

 

Blackadder was wrong about his role in bringing the potato to England, but pretty much right about the rest. Raleigh was a bit of an ugly customer by all accounts; his idea of fun seems to have been massacring Irish people, sucking up to the Queen and being rather liberal with the truth, all whilst wearing a ridiculously ornate doily round his neck.

 

 

He looks like a bit of a sod, which does have its sexy element, but his character (and dubious fashion statement) makes it difficult to feel entirely sorry for the fact that he ended by having his head lopped off.

 

 

 

Sir Francis Drake 

 

HE introduced the potato to England … for which he should be, quite rightly, revered and worshipped forever (him and whichever blessed souls gave us cheese and chocolate).

 

 

NOT much of a hottie though, is he girls?

 

 

There’s still way too much doily action going on, and … *SCARY TOOP ALERT!!* I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t trust any man whose facial hair is ten times lighter in shade than the hair on his head!

 

 

Here he is again … still using ye olde Grecian 2000, and what’s up with his right eye?? Not to mention he looks like he’s had a large stick shoved up his hornpipe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson 

 

One eye

 

 

One arm

 

 

Silly hat

 

 

Liked to kiss a chap called Hardy

 

 

 

Next!

 

 

 

 

Vice Admiral William Bligh

 

Possibly the most unfairly maligned man ever to sail the high seas; Hollywood portrayed him as a sadistic tyrant when in fact, evidence suggests, he was much more lenient and concerned with his crew’s welfare than most of his contemporaries. But sadly, a sharp tongue, combined with a crew who had just spent several pleasurable months swanning around Tahiti and who were loathe to leave the exotic climate (and the even more exotic local ladies) behind, led to the pesky mutiny which would taint his image forever.

 

 

I definitely feel sorry for him, but he’s a bit pasty and has an unusually large forehead … so he’s not shivering me timbers.

 

 

As for the other protagonist of the mutiny, Fletcher Christian … well, he wasn’t all that either! Apparently there aren’t any existing portraits of the scallywag, but aside from the fact that he was a lily-livered trouble maker, he doesn’t sound that appealing; this is how Captain Bligh described him:

 

 

5 ft. 9 in. high (Ok, not a bad height!). Dark, swarthy complexion (Now we’re talking!). Hair - blackish or very dark brown (Could be yum!). Make – strong (Yep, we like that!). A star tattooed on his left breast (Moobs?!), and tattooed on the backside (Er, maybe a bit kinky – but ok!). His knees stand a little out and he may be called a little bowlegged (Starting to lose me here). He is subject to violent perspiration (And – you’ve lost me), particularly in his hand, so that he soils anything he handles (Ew! Ew! Ew!)

 

 

 

 

Captain James Cook 

 

He looks like the grumpy type. More likely to tell me to sit down and eat my peas, than say something romantic.

 

 

He wasn’t very diplomatic either. I mean, it takes some doing to wind up the laid-back Hawaiians, so much so that they hit you on the head and then stab you to death … and apparently they LIKED him! 

 

 

Maybe he forgot to take his shoes off? Or really dissed Elvis.

 

 

 

 

Captain Pugwash

 

A cowardly, braggart of a pirate captain … I’m only including him because I used to like watching the programme when I was little, it had a very jolly, jaunty theme tune which made me smile and want to do a jig.

 

 

Also, because I get to mention the ridiculous urban legend that built up around the programme, with people being convinced that there had been characters called “Seaman Staines”, “Master Bates” and “Roger the cabin boy”. There WAS a character called “Willy” though, which was enough to provoke childish giggling in our sitting room.

 

 

Whilst not cherishing feelings of a squishier nature for him, one of the things that I did love about Captain Pugwash was his habit of liberally peppering his dialogue with the most wonderful exclamations, these gems included:

 

 

“Lolloping landlubbers!”

 

“Blistering barnacles!”

 

“Suffering seagulls!”

 

And my personal favourite … “Kipper me capstans!”

Popeye 

 

I actually loathe Popeye, but I have to grudgingly accept that he probably is the most famous sailor of them all, and therefore warrants a mention.

 

 

I never liked the cartoon, I’ve never made it beyond 10 minutes of the ghastly film (Why, Robin Williams?? WHY???) … and I suspect I never will.

 

 

He’s grotesque! He clearly laces his spinach with illegal steroids, smokes a pipe, permanently squints and laughs like a dork! His taste in women seems to run to the tall, gangling type with huge feet, who I suspect may even be a female impersonator.

 

 

Oh … and he has four identical nephews called Pipeye, Pupeye, Poopeye, Peepeye.

 

 

Freak!

 

 

 

And talking of freaks, check out this bunch of gimps, (that’s them in the pic at the top too) apparently they’re British and have had a frankly astonishing 32 albums!!!!  Although only a rather telling 11 singles … which explains the fact why the majority of the albums are “Greatest Hit(s)” and “Very Best of …” jobs. I’ve never heard of them and I hope that I will speedily be able to wipe them from my memory. Watching them, especially the smug, blonde lunatic (and by lunatic I actually mean twat) in glasses, left me feeling strangely irate and violent. Clearly the Germans liked them enough to invite them over … but then look at the audience members. That’s taking being underwhelmed to a whole new level.

 

 

 

 

 

So basically, the answer to my original question is a most resounding NO! Not all the nice girls love a sailor.

 

 

But feel free to contradict me.

 

 

Have a great weekend xx