Supermarkets Suck ...

I hate having to do my weekly grocery shopping; it's tedious, it's expensive, it brings me into close contact with people who make me think bad thoughts and the smug cow at the checkout always gives me a pitying smile on seeing my basket full of ready-made frozen meals for one.

Bleh!

The one reassuring thing is knowing that I'm not suffering alone; you can spot the singletons a mile off, grumpily trudging around with their baskets of said frozen meals, bottles of wine and humungous bars of chocolate, casting surreptitious, evil looks at all the smug couples, secretly hoping their "family size" packs of sausages give them a mild case of salmonella.

They say that supermarkets, especially in the evening hours, are prime spots for meeting the man/woman of your dreams ... frankly I think thats a crock of poo, I don't know where all the hot guys shop in this area, but it's certainly not in the supermarkets I frequent. I'm starting to think hot guys just don't eat ... either that or they're getting free meals cooked for them bydesperate generous single women.

Anyway, here's some ideas for relieving the tedium of shopping in supermarkets:

1) Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. (S'ok, it's not like you have cooties ... right?)

2) When someone steps away from their trolley to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. (Being chased is both fun AND good exercise)

3) Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

4) Whilst handling knives in "Household Goods", suddenly ask if anyone knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as loony as possible. (*WARNING: This one could get you arrested/sectioned)

5) Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Groiters here?"

6) As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "oOoh! Magic!"

7) Whilst walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?" (Funnier if you're wearing one of their sweaters)

8) Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in SO long!..." - see if they play along to avoid embarrassment (Could backfire if they actually know you)

9) Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code Red in Pet Foods" and see what happens. (Consider it a "Social Experiment")

10) Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap (Speak in an "Olde English" style for extra effect, i.e. "A pox upon you for being a scurvy knave, sir!")

Happy shopping.