Come on in & make yourself at home (try not to steal anything) ...

Hello, blog lovelies! Hope July is treating you well and that all is fine and dandy with you and yours.

My good chum Mr Condescending tagged me in his latest post, which you can view here. Apparently we're all invited to his mock-Tudor mansion for a party ... isn't that nice of him? (no puking on the oak beams, please). He's cordially said we can snoop through his book shelves (he only reads Playboy for the "articles", apparently), rifle through his dvd collection (I have no idea what "Three's Company" is, I'm a little confused about why there's SIX people on the covers, but I'm sure it will prove to be amusing ... after we've cleaned out his booze cabinet) and gorge ourselves on the finest food and drink in NYC (I'm trying not to be too upset about the shellfish stew which will KILL ME).

Anyway ... nice gesture, huh?

Well, it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that there's a big ol' stipulation attached that says anybody partaking of his magnanimous hospitality then has to throw a similarly big party (in his honour, no doubt ... doesn't he seem just the type who would demand his very own throne to sit on? While he condescendingly mocks the rest of us and takes multiple photos of our fat bums and dodgy-yet-comfy sportswear when we're not looking, just so he has post material for his blog-theatre of cruelty?).

To be honest, I was tempted to say no at first. I figured I'd just go along, drink all his booze, mock his dvd's, chuck a TV out of a window and then disappear into the night like a super-cool rock star type.

But then I thought ... "Hmm! Why not?" After all, July is the perfect month for summer parties, I've just sold a kidney on e-Bay so I'm a bit flush in the old pocket ... and it would give me something semi-fun to post about.

So ... you're all invited to my place! Woohoohooo! Partaay!


By the way, you'll recognise my house by the colourful "Happy Bar Mitzvah" balloons (aren't jumble sales fab?) and the 20 ft inflatable Santa on the roof (it seemed like a good idea ... at Christmas)


Please wipe your feet before you come in ...



Watch out for the vicious guard dog (a terrifying mix of Wookiee, Womble & Yorkshire Terrier) ...




Now, before we get this party started, Mr Condescending has demanded a guided snout round (nosey bugger), for a start he wants to know what my favourite books are. (This actually drove me mad, I'm a fanatical bibliophile and have hundreds of books all over the house, it was practically impossible to narrow it down to one shelf) Anyway, er, here's a selection ...



... I know Girl With The Pink Teacup will be thrilled and proud to see that I have the big, hardback copies of Harry Potter

... historical biographies and fantasy fiction (could I be a bigger geek? I think not)


I had a similar problem with films *gives Mr C the evil eye* (I'd give him the "Finger of Death" if I knew how to do it)

There's just too many to choose from ...


Here are a few faves (although a lot of my absolute favourite films are not included here ... frankly, I was just too lazy to sort them all out) ...


I'll just leave you to have a look through them for a couple of minutes whilst I go and tell Diane, Vic and Dominica to stop jumping on the beds ...


Ok, I'm back, now let's crack on with the party, I thought we'd have it in the garden (mind the wheelie bin) ...



By the way, whilst I agree that it's not a party until something gets broken, please could you try NOT to break the good stuff ... I have a whole cupboard full of tacky old tat given to me over the course of several birthdays/Christmas' by my ex's mother, if you'd like something destructible to chuck around.

Oh, and the plants are strictly for decoration ... please don't try to smoke them (yes, I'm looking at you John Smith and Prunella).


Now, "What's for dinner?" I hear you ask eagerly.

Well you won't be getting traditional English food, that's for sure. It's ok, but quite heavy and stodgy and not very exciting in my opinion. Plus, I think some of my US guests might find the inclusion of such things as "Toad in the Hole" and "Spotted Dick" on the menu as a bit off-putting. Quite understandable.

My tastes in food are quite Mediterranean, I like lots of different dishes for people to pick and choose from, pasta in lovely light sauces, creamy risottos, plenty of fresh vegetables and salads with spicy dressings, a banquet of cheeses, warm bread, plump little olives and of course, plenty of wine.

If you like that kind of thing then I heartily recommend this book to you ...


It's a true account of an American lady's experience of buying and renovating an old farm house in Cortona, Italy. Whilst I didn't particularly enjoy the main narrative I did love the simple and delicious recipes she includes as part of the book, traditional dishes that she learned from the local people such as Pea and Shallot Bruschetta, Semolina Gnocchi, Rich Polenta Parmigiana, Sage Pesto, Hazlenut Gelato and Cherries Steeped in Red Wine. Mmmmmm!


Hang on a second though! Why don't you have a drink yet?

There's red or white wine for the more discerning palates, and vodka, which I'll use to make Sea Breeze cocktails later (one part vodka, one part pink grapefruit juice, three parts cranberry juice, served over ice in a tall glass with a slice of lime)


Hey! I can see those nervous glances! Don't worry ... there IS more alcohol than this! (Sheesh! Big bunch of lushes!) Oi! Mo Stoneskin! (or should we call you Mr Albali now?) I've told you before about guzzling the cooking sherry!

Er ... can somebody please take those balloons away from Dr Zibbs? ... you might want to wait until he's got his clothes on again first :/ (BTW - does anybody know why he came dressed like Corey Feldman and keeps saying "Hee Hee, Jamon!" in a high pitched voice?)


Anyway, inspiration for tonight's menu has come courtesy of these two books ...



By way of a starter there will be English Onion Soup with Sage & Cheddar ...


Or, Sweet Pear & Apple Salad with Bitter Chicory and a Creamy Blue Cheese Dressing ...



Or, Tortelloni di Spinaci with Sugo al Burro e Pomodoro (Spinach in ickle pasta parcels with a butter and tomato sauce, lightly sprinkled with parmesan) ...


For main course there will be a Italian Ham & Spinach Tart ...


and Baked Cauliflower & Broccoli Cannelloni ...


or Hot Smoked Salmon with Chilli Salsa ...



For dessert there'll be Tray Baked Meringue with Pears, Cream, Toasted Hazelnuts & Chocolate Sauce (well you knew there had to be chocolate in there somewhere)



or Eton Mess (meringue, cream and strawberries ... just so you can say you had something traditionally English as well as uber-yummy) a real summer classic


Apologies for the quality of the pictures, I know they're a bit pants, I considered actually making all the dishes and getting better shots, but I couldn't be arsed to go to the supermarket to get the ingredients. Or to do the cooking bit.

Oh! And there might also be Red Velvet Cake muffins if I get my care package from gorgeous Gwen in time ... in which case there will be a cheesey sob-fest tribute at some point in the evening, where we will stuff our happy little faces with cake whilst watching Steel Magnolias and speaking in the manner of one of its many, glorious characters ... but you can't be Clairee (already bagged by me) or Ouiser (to be played to perfection by Gwen).

For entertainment I've arranged the following:

• The Jules (Happy Belated Birthday to him btw) will present us with a slideshow of all the fascinating places he's travelled to and mocked, snappily titled "Around Selected Parts of the World in Considerably More Than 80 Days".
• Wordsx3 is going to give a fascinating insight into the mind of a frustrated and much copied (allegedly *cough*) creative genius, entitled "Dude! Where's My Kudos?"
  
• Trinity is giving a monologue on his personal interpretation of art, entitled "Every Picture Should Have An Amusing Moustache In It"
  
• And finally there will be a breathtaking fireworks display (well, sparklers) at the end of the night (*Note to self: Make sure Kristine does indeed wait in the van and is NEVER left alone with the cat and the fireworks at any point in the evening).

Anyway, top up your drink, grab a plate of food and go mingle with the other guests. Go! Shoo! No peeing in the pot plants though, no staring at Cora (who is on MY team if we play Pictionary) and her fella, Scope if they start making out in the corner ... actually, no molesting folks in any way ... unless you're specifically asked to ... in which case, get a room! But not MY room. And stay out of my underwear drawers.

If there's any bad behaviour then Lopez is going to make you drop and give her twenty ... you have been warned!

Now then, who's up for a game of naked Twister?